What? You mean there's no Israeli porn here?

My blog traffic is pretty decent with an average of well over thirty hits a day, but the overwhelming majority of these people come here as a result of some depraved and/or stupid search request. So, since I've decided it doesn't really matter what I post, I'm going to post the following mind-numbingly stupid short story. This story, I would like to add, literally took several years to write. I no longer write fiction and after you read this story you'll understand why I stopped.


Death Spanks A Pale Monkey

OK, it was me, Granny, Sir Reginald, and the Lindberg baby. We were headed into port in the subchaser. Somewhere past the Azores we sprung a leak and Sir Reginald wanted to bung up the hole with the Lindberg baby, but I'd have none of it--not with the possibility of the reward still being offered.
Suddenly, I said, "I'm going ashore!"
"Not without my tits," screamed Granny.
"Take the Lindberg baby for luck," said Sir Reginald. He stood on the promenade deck, drink in hand, urine stains on his trousers.
He took a long sip of his gin and tonic and then hurled the Lindberg baby at me.
I stormed ashore, guns blazing, using the Lindberg baby as a shield.
I met with no resistance.
In front of me was a mysterious castle. I forced my way in using the Lindberg baby as a pry-bar.
Inside was a very exotic woman.
"I see you're a man of action," she said, noticeably jiggling.
"Uh...Yeah."
"Isn't that the Lindberg baby?"
"Uh...Yeah."
"Where did you get that thing?"
"I bought it off a guy."
"Anyway, even though I don't know you, I can tell you're a man of taste and breeding."
"Yep."
"Follow me into this mysterious room."
Seconds later we were humping like mandrills.
While we were at it, the polished mahogany wardrobe burst open and out sprang noted American poet Carl Sandburg.
"You bastard," I yelled.
Sandburg leapt at me like a jungle cat.
Still humping, I dealt Sandburg a fatal blow with the Lindberg baby.
Seconds later a cruise missile hit the castle.
Afterwards, I lunched at the pavilion.
And that's how I became the Crown Prince of Romania.