Monday, October 26, 2009

"He's on ice skates! We don't have a chance!"

Believe it or not, I actually have things to post about, but I'm having trouble trying to whip myself into writing mode. These days I'm in full on moping mode. That's moping and not mopping. I've never been in mopping mode, but if I was, rest assured, I'd write about it.

Anyway, Friday there was an article on CNN's webpage that caught my eye. The opening sentence was perhaps one of the most bizarre, horrifying, but yet hysterically funny things I've read in a while:

A bear on ice skates attacked two people during rehearsals at a circus in Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan, killing one of them, Kyrgyz officials said Friday.

Yeah! A bear on ice skates was attacking people. I don't want to make light of someone's tragic death, but if I ever get killed by an ice skating bear, I hope headstone reads, "Killed by a fucking bear on ice skates. Top that!"

Monday, October 12, 2009

It's a post about nothing

I've done nothing at all since I last wrote a post; I don't really have anything to write about. Seriously. Nothing. But, as I've been summoned from my pit of squalor to once again save the world, I'll see what I can do.

What have I done recently? (Besides wanking.) I watched some movies, something I haven't done in a long time. OK, I'll write a few short reviews of the movies I've seen over the past week. (The emphasis is on short.) Roger Ebert has nothing to worry about.

The 40 Year Old Virgin: I think I'm the last person on earth who hadn't seen this. I liked it. It wasn't ass-slappingly hysterical like most people seem to think, but it's a decent movie. You won't be seeing this review quoted on the DVD box any time soon.

I Am Legend: I don't think I've watched a Will Smith movie before. He makes big block-buster shoot'em up stuff and I usually avoid those kinds of movies because I'm a Liberal Elitist Snob. Anyway, this movie is a remake of Last Man on Earth, a swell mid 60's Vincent Price flick that you can watch free online since it's in the public domain. Did I like the modern remake? Yes. I didn't love it, but I liked it well enough I suppose. My only real complaint besides the CGI stuff (which I always hate because it looks fake) was that Will Smith's character was too nice. I don't want to spoil it for those planning on comparing the Will Smith version to the Vincent Price version, so I won't explain what the hell I mean other than to say that Vincent Price wasn't very nice all.

Mean Girls: There was a sale at Wal-Mart on DVDs and I bought this and the next two movies down the page. I liked it, but I didn't love it. I was really hoping it would be funnier, but it was a little light-weight, almost like an edgy Disney Channel movie. Also, it was depressing seeing Lindsey Lohan not looking like a emaciated coke zombie. They should probably show her this movie at the intervention.

Prom Night: Dreck. I didn't really like 80's slasher movies in the 80's, so I don't know why I thought I would like this. It was a lifeless ripoff of the much, much better Halloween. On the upside, it does have a young Jamie Lee Curtis, but on the downside, she keeps all her clothes on.

The Descent: I'd never heard of this one, but for some reason it looked interesting. I'm glad I got it because it may have been the best of the lot. I don't typically like modern horror and science fiction movies. I'd rather see a plastic spaceship hanging by a string than see a meticulously detailed CGI spaceship. But this movie doesn't have spaceships in it, so I don't know what the hell I'm going on about. It's about a group of macho women who go exploring some deep cave and find it inhabited by these fucking nasty mutant naked humanoids who eat them. Also, it's British. You know the British always make good stuff.

Black Sabbath: No, not the band. This is the movie the band probably got their name from. It's currently being shown on Hulu, so have a look. It's not great, but if you like bosomy Italian women in cat's eye makeup, you'll probably like it. Also, it's got Boris Karloff. You know Boris Karloff always makes good stuff.

Since I mentioned Black Sabbath, here's a clip of them circa 1970 playing "War Pigs":

And, since I mentioned cat's eye makeup, here's a clip showing how to apply cat's eye makeup: