Thursday, July 31, 2008

Crazy guy, we hardly knew ye

Well, no more crazy guy. He came to work high this morning and later ended up resigning. I don't know the details, I just know he's gone. It's no big surprise he fell off the wagon, but I thought he would last more than two weeks.

Now what am I going to write about? [Tears out what's left of my hair.]

Yesterday, the crazy guy was totally not high and exhibited some of his stranger behavior. At one point I looked around one of the machines and saw him standing in front of his tool box changing his clothes. He was just standing there in his underwear. I should also add that his toolbox is against the wall that separates the machine shop from the break room. Except that it's not an actual wall, it's just a five foot high room divider. And people from another part of the facility walk right by where he was on their way to the break room, but yet the only people that saw him besides me was the supervisor and second in command.

Ah, memories.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Mock duck

I won't rest until I get my hands on a can of mock duck.

Monday, July 28, 2008

How does that even work?

This morning I helped the crazy guy take some steel shavings out to the dumpster. As we maneuvered the pushcart, he took his phone out of his pocket and fiddled with it. I noticed that it was a flip phone, but it was only the bottom half.

"Where's the other half of your phone?"

"Huh? Oh, I broke it in half," he said with a straight face. And right after he said this, it started ringing and he answered it.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Shop 'till you barf

We've had (and are still having) lots of new stores opening in this area recently. Why, I don't know considering we have one of the highest unemployment rates in the state. But someone somewhere thinks we have money, so we get new stores.

Sam's Club opened in the past few months, but I never went there because I thought paying $40 for the privilege of shopping there was stupid; I knew they wouldn't have anything I wanted to buy. But, at work, I got a chance to get a business account card for $35, and, for some mysterious reason, I decided to get one. Well, Saturday I had my new card and ventured into the store for the first time. I was sorely disappointed.

The store has lots of stuff, some of it I would actually buy, but just didn't want any of it. Also, the prices on electronic doo-dads and gizmos wasn't anything special. Ooh, look, a PSP for $2 cheaper than I can get at Wal-Mart. Big deal. They didn't even have beef-flavored ramen. Bastards.

Next store!

Target just opened in the past week, I believe. I expected big things at Target. The store looked huge on the outside, but inside seemed cramped. They had lots of stuff, but nothing I really wanted. I can't see going back anytime soon because the place gave me the willies from all of the crowded crap and people. Maybe when the new store smell wears off it'll be safe to go back there and shop in relative peace.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Sweet dreams

I just remembered part of a weird dream I had the night before last. It was a long dream that was more or less like a movie, but luckily for you, I remember little of it. (True fact: no one gives a rat's ass about your dreams.)

The dream took place mostly in a ritzy hotel and a famous person had died in one of the rooms. The one scene that sticks out in my mind was the hearse carrying the body away suddenly looked like an ordinary station wagon and through the side windows you could see lots of food in boxes and cans stacked in the back. But as the camera pulled in for a close up you could see pale toes sticking up through the groceries. They had piled groceries on the body to sneak by the press who apparently were outside. It's all rather vague.

Jebus, it's 6:09AM on a Saturday; why am I awake?

Friday, July 25, 2008

How I spent my day

At work the crazy guy insisted on showing me pictures on his iPod of his drunken moron friends. One photo showed several attractive girls sprawled on a bed.

"You think they have sex together?" he asked.

"One can only hope," I said.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Jinxes? Jeepers!

A few days ago I found myself looking through old comic books again and stumbled across a bizarre full-page ad for something called Negajinx.

This came out of a war comic from 1981. Were the readers of war comics known for their fear of jinxes?
Just sit back and imagine the thrill when NEGAJINX starts to eliminate your jinxes. Its amazing powers will make you the envy of ALL your friends and relatives.
I have nothing else to add except a full-page scan of the ad. (And be sure to notice that at no time in this ad do they ever tell you exactly what this Negajinx thingy is. No, they just refer to it was a "Negajix replica".)

Monday, July 21, 2008

Still crazy after all these weeks

This morning the crazy guy was back at work after being off for a month on "medical leave". How he even still had a job after getting caught high off his ass by one of the bosses is beyond me, but they don't pay me to think.

So, you're asking, is he still crazy? Yes. Yes, he is. This afternoon I was meticulously using a drill press to countersink tiny holes in little aluminum rectangles when he came up behind me and went, "Waaahhh! Lookout!" My fingers were only an inch or two away from the 3/8 inch countersink drill. Ordinarily, I'm wound fairly tight and would've jumped out of my skin, but for some reason he didn't startle me. Maybe I've developed a sixth sense for crazy people.

I imagine he'll sort of be on good behavior for a week or two (or at least a few days), and then be back to his usual weirdo-crazed-stoned self.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm not taking that quiz

I've been contemplating the internet recently, which is why I haven't been posting. No, I haven't made any grand discoveries or come to any ground-breaking conclusions about the web. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Also, I couldn't think of anything amusing to post.

I found the image below online sometime back and rediscovered it a few minutes ago while looking through a folder full of crap. (Everyone should have a folder full of crap.)

Is she supposed to be attractive? Am I supposed to go, "Wow, I wish someone like that was my secret admirer!"? She looks kind of stoned and skanky. Is she pulling her skirt down? Or maybe she's pulling it back up. I don't even think she has on underwear.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Rub it in!

I went to the dentist today to get drilled. Afterwards, when I was scheduling my next visit, I noticed my dentist was wearing a Rolex.

I helped pay for that, I thought.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Filth! (But it doesn't matter since no one is reading this.)

I learned a new way of communicating joy today. The second in command began a strange litany as he measured a part I'd just taken out of the CNC machine.

"2.190? 2.190! Titties! [Pause.] .198? .198! Titties! [Pause.] 2.120? 2.120. Titties! [Pause.] That's just beautiful."

Apparently, in his world, saying titties was like saying great or excellent. Very strange. Incidentally, he's the same guy who often uses the peculiar phrase, "you're shitting in the tall grass now" when he thinks you're doing something right.

Pointless side note: I think my least favorite word in the English language is titty. It just makes me cringe. Why, I don't know, but I hate the word. I have no problem with tits, boobs, knockers, jugs, or whatever stupid euphemism for breasts anyone cares to come up with, but the word titty simply makes my skin crawl.

I also loathe the word britches. [Shudder.]

Saturday, July 12, 2008

When high tech trickles down to the riff-raff

This morning I decided to see if Radio Shack had any iPod armor. [Old guy digression: I remember when Radio Shack was a cool store with all kinds of fascinating junk, but now it's just iPod stuff, video game crap, home theater, etc.]

Inside there was a hot girl also shopping for iPod stuff. Naturally, they had exactly what Little Miss Yummybutt needed for her iPod, but mine is too old. I bought a refurbished 4th generation 20GB model for $90. Apparently those are junk now. No, the guy behind the counter didn't tell me it was junk, but he sort of behaved like he was holding an antique.

So, I'm not taking it work.

The above image is a scan of the sticker that was on the screen of my ultra-cheap Coby 1GB mp3 player I bought last month for $20 whole dollars. This is what I've been taking to work over the past few days so I could listen to podcasts. I was amused by the "VOL 22", but I'm sure none of you find it the least bit amusing. As a retaliatory gesture, I've infested all of your homes with termites. So there.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Naming products is hard

How difficult can it be to come up with an appealing name for a camera? What possessed a Chinese manufacturer to name a camera Five Goats?

It's a real camera made back in the early 70's which I read about in Cameras of China by Douglas St. Denny.

Yes, I know none of this is the least bit interesting to any of you, but humor me or I'll go to each of your homes and spy on you while you use the bathroom.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Another Acursed Meme!

Cindy tagged to do one of those damnable meme things all the kids are doing on the internets these days with the Facebook and the blogs and the Google. I don't really understand these things because I don't do the internets what with all the viruses and the hackers and the MySpace. I just put my manual typewriter in front of my TV and pretend I'm online, but enough about me.

The meme:

* Write a six-word memoir.

* Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.

* Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere.

* Tag 5 more blogs with links.

* Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

A six word memoir? How arbitrary and infuriating. No, that's only four words. Let's see. I was born, then got bored. Yep, that's six words and it pretty much sums up the tedious travesty I call my life.

Now to tag five other people who have it coming. How about Sherri (as revenge for tagging me for every meme online), my sister (just because she's a jackass), Dr. X (because he has a cool name), Jammies (because she needs a break from tearing Snopes a new one), and Jeff (so maybe it'll get him actually post something new).


I saw a guy on a website earlier and his last name was Clodfelter. That's not as great a name as Snodgrass or Hunsucker, but it's still pretty good.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Shameless! Tawdry!

The unspeakable sister has a new website which will be updated madly for a month or so, but then she'll drift into ennui, letting said website fall into disuse. Sad, really.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Breaking News!

It's official, the iPod is no longer cool. Nope. Not even a little. How did this sad fall from grace happen? Well, I bought one. And not only did I buy one, I bought a refurbished one because I'm poor. Now that's about as uncool as you can get. Take that Mac hipsters!

Of course, I don't really have much use for an iPod outside of work. But I work in a machine shop, so I'd terrified to even bring the thing in there for fear it would get broken. Also, if I was seen listening to it, then everyone would want to know what I was listening to. Once they found out, then I'd really be labeled a weirdo.

Friday, July 04, 2008

But is it art?

Yesterday after work, while moping around the internet looking for signs of life, I found myself at Ebay perusing the "Weird Stuff" category. Oddly, despite my deep and abiding interest in weird stuff, I rarely look at Ebay's selection. Most of the stuff wasn't what I'd call weird (so maybe that's why I never look at it), but an abstract painting caught my eye. The artist had apparently painted it using her breasts. Now I was interested.

The painting didn't really impress me that much, but I loved the description of how it was painted.
The paint is applied directly to my breasts, which are then pressed onto the canvas. This process is repeated several times, using different color combinations, until I like the final composition. This series is intended to be intimate, whimsical, and fun (and an interesting conversation piece). This is a 100% original creation that was painted entirely with my (real) breasts.
Please don't bother asking for photos from the painting process. I am a real collectible artist with real knowledge of color & composition. My feedback and the photos speak for themselves.
Then I scrolled down the page and saw a photo of the artist wearing a skimpy top that showed off her enormous knockers. Yep, that's art.

Her Ebay store has many more paintings, and most seem to be done by mashing her paint-covered boobs on a canvas (or whatever she paints on). She also has a website with more descriptions of her painting technique. Also she has paintings done by her turtle. Yes. A turtle. That paints.

Anyway, the interesting thing about all of this to me is that basically only a reasonably attractive woman with biggish boobs could get away with this. A guy definitely couldn't do it. Who would buy a painting done by a guy using his dick? I'm sure someone would (and probably already has), but they just wouldn't be as the artist said above, "whimsical, and fun (and an interesting conversation piece)". Nope. It would be icky, creepy, and totally messed up.

So, as an experiment, I drew an abstract piece using only my penis. Yes, really. You don't want to know the details, just trust me.

Do we have any bidders? No? Thank god.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


I had an actual post all planned out for today, but then I didn't get the thing I was hoping I was going to get in the mail. And tomorrow's a holiday, so there won't be any mail. I may not get it until Saturday or Monday. So my lame, but well thought out, post will have to wait.

Exciting stuff, huh?

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Dulled by dullness

Remember when the internet was exciting? No? Just play along. Remember how every day was a new miracle? There was just loads and loads of fascinating junk out there on the world wide interwebinet superinformationhighway, but now, despite the fact that there are billions of web pages, the internet is a wasteland of dullness. Or at least that's how it often seems to me.

Every day I read the same websites. I won't list them here, but few of them are linked on the sidebar. These few websites can keep me entertained for a couple of hours after I get home from work, but ultimately they leave me bored. Where's the cool stuff? Where's the amazing information? Typing random number/letter combinations in search engines doesn't get me there.

How do I get there, people?!