Monday, March 29, 2010

Print is dead

Hmmm... Somebody emailed me an experimental poem. It's good to see the avant-garde spirit alive and well in these dull times. And email is a far better method of publishing and distributing literature than print.

Ake another cake for you. [_She makes a very, very small cake and puts
it in the oven._] BEGGAR. I thank you, good woman. [_The woman takes the
cake from the oven._] WOMAN. This cake is too large to give away. I will
give you a slice of bread. [_She cuts a slice from a loaf of bread._]
I thank you-- WOMAN. A slice is too much to give
away. Here
is a crust for you. [_The beggar shakes her head._] BEGGAR. May you
never taste cake again! May the very cake in your mouth seem to be
If you will not give, you shall not have! WOMAN.

Go, go! [_The beggar throws off her cloak; a_ FAIRY
_is seen._] WOMAN. A Fairy! You are a Fairy? FAIRY. I am the Fairy
of Good Deeds. You would not give--you shall not have! [_The Fairy
goes._] WOMAN. As if cake could
ever taste like
bread! 'Tis impossible--impossible! (_She

eats a cake._) What is this? I see

Yeah, I know it's just spam, but I like it. Well, sorta.

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Today I found out there was a NaBloPoMo, which is the National Blog Posting Month where the challenge is to post something on your blog every day for a month. I wonder if there's something for people who ignore their blogs for a full month because I would totally rule at doing that.

Incidentally, I'm not that impressed by anyone posting something to their blog every day for a month. It's not that big of a deal. I think that the first year of my blog's existence, I posted something on all but two or three days. Go look. On better thought, don't look because that crap's embarrassing.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

News from my hometown

Here's a clip from a newspaper in Richmond, VA that concerns something demented that happened months ago down here in Danville, VA. (My sister found this and sent it to me before Christmas and I forgot about it, but such is old age and memory.)

Links? You want links? Huh? Well, here's one and here's another. And on reading these links, I don't see anything about the guy thinking the opossum was a weiner dog. I'm inclined to think this is a joke by one of the writers on the Richmond Times Dispatch that references the shooting of a miniature dachshund by a Danville cop last summer.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I had a new post planned

This new post I had planned would've been great. Funny even. Painfully so. But I couldn't get it together enough to even think about writing it. So, it didn't get written. And I should probably feel a lot worse about not writing it than I do, but I don't. I guess that makes me a bad person.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Hang on!

Toyota Simulator. Doesn't need any more explanation.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

You really have no idea. None at all.

In addition to the tea, Helen also sent some other stuff. Snack food type stuff. Kinda. I think. I was going to write about the little Japanese cookies, but since I actually thought they tasted good and weren't particularly weird, I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say about them. See, this is why I could never be a critic of any kind because I'm apparently only inspired by awfulness or strangeness.

Awfulness. Strangeness. Yes. Which brings me to the topic of today's post and third thing in Helen's package: fruit flavored beef jerky. I'll let that settle into your brain a bit. Just ponder it a little; I'll wait. It's beef jerky. Beef jerky that tastes like fruit. Hell, maybe I should just show a picture of the package.

Yes, I know it looks like a cow patty, but trust me, it's meat. Meat that tastes like fruit.

Judging by the Chinese on the package, it's aimed at Chinese folks, but it's made in the US. There's a Dept. of Agriculture logo on it and everything. But despite all of this seemingly normal information I still can't force my brain to process the concept of meat that's supposed to taste like fruit. If I think about it too long I begin to ponder other possible products: fruit that tastes like meat, fruit that tastes like other fruit, meat flavored soft drinks, meat scented shampoo, flavored clothing, etc.

There's a peculiar statement on the back of the package that no matter how many times I've read it, still makes no sense: "The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale it is derived from animals that received ante-and post-mortem inspection and were found sound and healthy and has been inspected and passed as provided by law and regulations of USDA." Yes, that's one sentence. OK, most of it makes sense, despite the clunky syntax. But what most worries me is the part that reads, "The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale". It's not for sale? But Helen bought it at a store. And if it's not for sale then tahtih aiht [oakfw[ oeih ifjw ci[owhc[oihvlkjvn; ;lk

Sorry, I my brain can only take so much.

"But when is he going to get to how it tastes?!!!" I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. Actually, I've already gotten to it. I tasted the stuff about an hour ago and I've been avoiding the memory of it ever since.

I really thought it would taste like fruit. I really did. I guess there was a fruitiness to it. Maybe. What I can dimly recall is an overpowering sweetness and acidity. But in the background fighting to get in the foreground was the unmistakable taste of roast beef. After I put it in my mouth and began chewing I immediately went to the bathroom because I was pretty sure I was going to have to spit it out. And I couldn't just spit it in the floor, could I? Maybe at your house I could, but I live here. But I didn't spit it out; somehow I managed to swallow it.

For the sake of science, I have to taste it again.

Oh, god, the smell. It's like meat, but with something else. [I should write advertising copy for a living.]

The taste? Chemicals, horrible sweetness, and meat! Gak!