Saturday, May 27, 2006

Filler!

Since I've fallen into a bottomless pit of work-related misery and have the energy of a drugged tree sloth, I haven't been blogging much. My job sucks, but it doesn't even suck in an interesting way. Don't hold your breath for wacky posts about how stupid things are at work. So in lieu of actual content, here's my latest collection of stupid search requests that people baffled by the internet have used to blunder across my tedious blog:

free latin porn without popups
I'm pretty sure they were looking for porn featuring folk from Central and South America, but I like to imagine they were looking for porn in Latin, because nothing says arousing like a dead language.

cat smash through window
Just when you thought Fluffy couldn't be any more annoying.

tickling vagina clips
Movie clips or clips that would actually tickle one's vagina? But you'd think clips would pinch rather than tickle. OK, I've dwelled on this far too long already.

hee haw women doing
This searcher doesn't care just what the Hee Haw women are doing, just that they're doing something: movies, yard work, hard time, etc. It doesn't matter as long as they're keeping busy.

"wanking in front of"
Wanking in front of anything: cars, elephants, bricks, trees, Communism, tropical fish, lawn furnature, etc. The searcher doesn't care as long as someone is wanking in front of something.

good teacher porn clips lengthy and free
I never had a teacher that good.

free foreskin sites with photos
I don't want a free foreskin!

man wanking in front of computer
Well, at least he wasn't wanking in front of a dehumidfier. Or something like that.

does going to the toilet relieve stress
For me it does. Unless someone's in there and then my stress increases.

pee shy successful medication
See above.

uk wanking blogs
The searcher isn't interested in wanking blogs from any other lousy country.

Honey Bun robbery
Was a honey bun stolen in the robbery or used to perform the robbery?

eel barrel
More fun than a barrel of eels!

toilet lid cartoon
A cartoon about a toilet lid or a cartoon on a toilet lid?

undulate paragraph
I hope this is a new feature in Word.

john wayne autopsies
More than one?

english majors are stupid annoying
Possibly, but I'm not comfortable with gross generalizations.

"shoot a woman in the ass"
I really have no idea.

invented the spanking
Sadly, we'll never know.

What is going on in Iceland now reffering to the headlines of articles in the newspaper.
This just in: People in Iceland speak a language called Icelandic.

bubblegum blowing porn
Talk about your lame fetishes. Somewhere out there a person is desperately searching Yahoo for "cuddling porn" or "non nude porn".

enema horror stories
Get a mop!

photos of kids 11-12 with shaved heads
Hmmm... Pervert or a kid looking for photos to show his parents? ("See, Mom. There's kids my age with shaved heads!")

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Friday, May 12, 2006

Mit der whoopie!

I learned something new at work: furzkissen is German for whoopie-cushion. (We stock them.) Anyway, I looked up furzkissen on Google just to see what came up. I found an article in the German verions of Wikipedia. The Google translation is too good not to reproduce in total:
A Furzkissen is a joke article. This concerns an inflatable hollow body, which consists of plastic, and over a valve it is so fillable that the air filling cannot withdraw after filling independently. When sudden escaping of air by an outside load a flatulenzartiges noise is produced. The Furzkissen serves for, notionless humans who itself unintentionally on it-set and thus by its weight the necessary pressure apply to bring in embarrassment. It is put down for example camouflaged on seat opportunities.

The first Furzkissen consisted of two equal, ballonförmigen rubber skins, which were stuck up to the opening in the place at the edge, typical for a balloon. There the gap developed, by which the Furzkissen is filled, and which could be squeezed together due to its detention characteristics, so that the filling remained containing.

Furzkissen of newer date are manufactured frequently with foam material filling and a mechanical valve. If the pressure is reduced to the hollow body, then the foam material filling relaxes and leads to the fact that the Furzkissen takes up air over the valve again and so that a renewed emptying with side effects mentioned without intervention of the user becomes possible. Also fast successions of the developing noise are in this way possible.

According to the Guinness book of the records took place in Illinois with 3164 persons the largest common Furzkissen seats.
The Germans seem to take whoopie-cusion technology quite seriously. I've never seen any of these more advanced whoopie-cusion designs they speak of.

Oddly, the English version of Wikipedia has no specific article on whoopie-cushions, but they do have a nice one on flatulence humor. (While you're at it, they have a nice article on flatulence as well.)

And to digress slightly, who wouldn't want their child to wear a whoopie-cushion costume for Halloween?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Get a job

Since I'm so miserable in my current job, I decided to start searching the various online employment sites for something else. I have a degreee, so surely there's something halfway decent out there for me. Right? Well, maybe not. All the jobs seemed to want years of experience I don't have and can't get because the jobs require experience. AARRGGHH! But I did find one that I think I'm qualified for:
The employee's activities primary include processing and preparing paperwork, assisting in preparation of human remains for cremation, assisting with placing remains in cremation chamber/retort and facility cleaning and maintenance. Activities may be in a crematory or at a funeral home/crematory. Requires learning and familiarization with SCI policies and proceedures, including review of SCI operations Manual and applicable state/provincial law. Regulatory certification may be required in some states/provinces. Works under general supervision.
I'm not sure what "SCI" stands for. Maybe Scary Corpse Industry.

I don't know why I even bother getting out of bed anymore.