Monday, April 30, 2007

Blogrolling no more?

I believe Blogrolling is dead. I'm referring to the site or maybe the actual functionality of the code. When a blog on your list updates an asterisk (or whatever else you chose) pops up beside the link. Mine hasn't worked properly in quite some time, something I originally blamed on the new Blogger code which seems to be incompatible with some of the third-party add-ons we've all been using for years.

This morning I decided to see if I could fix it by replacing the code with new code. Nope. Still broke. To see if I could find a fix, I went to their forums but instead found out lots of other people are having the same problems and the powers that be weren't doing anything about it. In fact, there hadn't been an update to the news portion of the main site since last summer. So it appears that Blogrolling is all but dead. Our links are still displayed and they still work, but that's it.

Tucows bought Blogrolling some time back, so it's kind of odd that they would buy this service and then basically abandon it.

So how do we go about fixing out Blogrolls? We don't. Instead we dump them in favor of blogLinx. It's in beta, it's free, you can easily import your old Blogroll data, and it actually works.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The stupider side of the internet

Since I can't think of anything else to write about, here's yet another post of stupid search requests actual humans have used to blunder across my humble blog.

Rube Goldberg marital aid
Great idea for a porno movie.

so me pichers off how to fined a womans g spot
Like any woman in her right mind would ever let you try to find it.

pop ups, hearing things , flashbacks stuff that happen in real life
Seriously, do you even know what you're looking for?

"enormous schlong" wife
That's so not the kind of wife I want.

watching videos of BRUSHING a dog's TEETH ONLY
That's one kink even I've never heard of.

funny events that happened in the year 1973
Nothing funny happened in 1973. Nothing.

under no circumstances should the bagpipes be mistaken for a musical instrument
But I like bagpipes.

pictures for wanking in front of porn
The porn is for... Oh, forget it. You'll never understand.

girls accidentally peeing in stores
Yet another reason not to open a store.

"but i was naked"
Nudity's rarely a good excuse.

Staples, Do they drug tesT?
Ah, yes, the cream of America's work force. Remind me not to shop at Staples. I'd rather not have to deal with either Cheech or Chong when I want to get some paper for my printer.

can lava melt everyting?
Get off the island, now! You need an airplane or boat, not Google in this situation.

Enema Warehouse
This is either the title of a movie I don't want to see or the name of a company I don't want to work for.

small pens porn
And the winner for least interesting porn category is...

cartoon of someone wanking on the internet
Don't do that, you'll get the internet all sticky.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Of things spammy

I can understand a subject line that reads "start losing weight", but I simply can't fathom one that reads "start losing weight groin". Leave my groin out of it, please. Or your groin. Whatever. Also, "fiduciary less victorious" doesn't fill me with confidence either.

Mystery solved

The astonishing Dr. X has identified the odd birds shown in the above photo: they're cormorants. After a bit of Googling, I found a page on them that shows, and explains, the wing-drying behavior I saw (but didn't get a photo of).

To get the above picture, I had to set the camera to its maximum resolution, max out the 4 x optical zoom, and then crop it when I got home. That's a small section of fairly massive photo.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Down by the river

I went back down to the river this morning, but this time I had a bag of sunflower seeds to feed to the geese. My only fear was that they would rush me, peck me in the nuts, and when I was on the ground in a fetal position, they would eat all the sunflower seeds, then peck me to death. Fortunately, that didn't happen. When I tossed the first handful of seeds on the ground they all came to me, but didn't eat the seeds that much. They're probably too full from being fed potato chips and popcorn all day every day.

Anyway, I put up more photos at my Flickr page.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Photos of boring stuff

I posted around twenty-four pictures over at my mostly unused Flickr page. All the stuff I mentioned yesterday is there: the bridges, the scenery, the squalor, the geese, the ducks, and even the big snake.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I went for a long walk along the river this morning, something I haven't done in a couple of years. Since I'm now unemployed I have the time for frivolous things like enjoying myself. I walked the new section of the paved walking trail that runs along the river. No idea how far I walked, but it was a few miles at least.

The trail is an odd juxtaposition of beautiful river scenery on one side and depressing industrial squalor on the other. Danville is trying to make itself look less ugly and depressing, and it sort of works in places, but since there's so many closed factories and mills with smashed out windows, the curtain of beautification isn't anywhere near large enough. This city has the highest jobless rate in the Virginia and the eighth highest in the nation.

With my spiffy new digital camera at the ready, I took pictures of everything in sight, including both the beautiful river scenery and the depressing abandoned buildings. I even got a couple of photos of a big snake. But mainly I took pictures of geese. I took almost 150 pictures total and maybe half of those are of geese. They were all over the place and in a better mood than usual. Well, the Canada geese are pretty relaxed most of the time, but the feral domestic geese are usually a bit obnoxious and more than a little aggressive. I was able to get closer than I usually can and they seemed not to care that much that I was standing there like a rube taking loads of photos.

I was planning to post more than one photo, but I took so many that it's overwhelming. Maybe I'll work up enough enthusiasm to put a bunch up at Flickr. Maybe not. The photo at the top of the page is one of the better ones I got. The white goose is apparently the father and the mottled one is the mother. At first I didn't notice the little goslings, who must've hatched quite recently, because the two big geese were sitting on them. The white goose was very protective of the little ones and on several occasions chased off Canada geese that got too close. I thought of running down and snatching one up to take home as a pet, but I didn't relish being pecked to death by those honking abominations. I'm joking, of course, but geese are rather big and kind of scary.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

A really long-ass post (with pictures)

I hit Richmond friday evening and didn't get back until a few hours ago. The above photo shows one of the many hardships I endured at my stay in Casa de Catastrophe. Why this animal isn't bald by now is mystery best left to those more qualified to investigate it. Everything my sister owns is covered in cat hair. Everything I brought back home is covered in cat hair. I've probably got it in my lungs.

The reason I was in Richmond in the first place was to go to Ravencon and meet up with Sherri and Jay. So my sister and I went yesterday around four. Neither I nor my sister go to cons, so we basically wandered around like lost dogs and just generally got in everyone's way. I brought my camera, but was too embarrassed to actually take photos of the people dressed up like Storm Troopers and whatever the hell else they were supposed to be. (You can tell I really keep my finger on the pulse of modern science fiction and fantasy, huh?)

I did get a picture of the scheduled events taking place, most of which we didn't see. Actually, I don't think we saw any of them. We're just not hep to this convention stuff. In a world of nerds we're just a couple of dorks.

When weren't getting in the way, or bothering Sherri and Jay at their big table in the dealer room, we sat on a couch at the far end of a hallway away from the con action and talked about stuff that had nothing to do with the con.

In the above photo you can actually see the convention at the far end of the hallway. Well, actually you can't see anything because it's too dark, but that stuff on the foreground table was free. We both loaded up on free stuff, because it's like, you know, free stuff.

We did actually meet an author, which is appropriate since the con was devoted to science fiction and fantasy authors. C.J. Henderson, who I must admit I'd never heard of (but I'd also never heard of the big famous guy on the schedule that won all the awards), had a table set up in the hallway and was seriously working at selling his books. He could probably sell water to fish. I bought a book and my sister bought two.

While I regret not taking pictures of people in costumes, I mostly regret not buying any of the dice from the dice-guy. I like dice. I have regular six sided ones, but none of the multi-sided Dungeons & Dragons types. He had loads of many types of dice and even though I looked several times, I didn't buy any (dumbass that I am). Not that I want them to play Dungeons & Dragons or any other RPG. Nope. I'm fascinated by the random number thing. Yes, seriously. I actually own a copy of the Rand Corporation's A Million Random Digit and 100,000 Normal Deviates in book form even though I could've downloaded it free. (You think maybe I was at the wrong convention?)

All in all it was interesting and fun evening. I even got tanked up on free Mexican food and later unexpectedly got to say hi to Jammies on the phone. My usual Saturday would've passed with me in front of the computer slowly irradiating myself.

Saturday, April 21, 2007


Well, I'm here in Stinktown. Right now my sister's at work and her ramshackle apartment and filthy cat are at my disposal. Later this afternoon we'll head out to the Con to do whatever the hell people do at Cons.

Friday, April 20, 2007

The trip

Today at 2:00pm I leave for Stinktown (aka Richmond) to rendezvous with Sherri and Jay at Ravencon. Maybe this year I'll actually get to see a little of the con unlike last year's rain-besotted, sleep-deprived fiasco.

Since my sister hasn't been answering her email over the past few days, no doubt the first words out of her mouth when I show up will be, "What are you doing up here?" And I'll say, "Well, Grouchy McButthead, if you would check your email more than once a month you would know what I'm up here for."

A fun time will be had by all.

Update 12:52pm. I just got an email from Grouchy written in her usual thoughtful, poetic, and highly cultured style: "Today??? This weekend? Dammit dammit sonofabitch."

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Never too late

I didn't get one on Easter, but I did finally get a chocolate rabbit. Sadly, cheap chocolate doesn't exactly age like a fine wine.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Here, my dear

All my worries are over. I've struck it rich! Look at this email I just got:
Hello Dear,

I know you don't not know me in person, however I will want you to bear with me after reading my mail and be of good assistance to me. Of which you know bad people in this world has made us not to trust the good once again, but i really want you to trust me, because i always like truth and honesty in anything i am doing, and let truth and honesty be our watch word in this transaction.
For your information, my name is Mr. Ken Samuel , i am working in a Bank here in Côte D'Ivoire as the remittance director of our Bank. Be informed that i am writing you this proposal in regards to a trust transfer of the sum of $6,500,000 ( Six Million Five Hundren Thousand Dollars) That was deposited by one Late Dr. Richard Ahmend. And since he died nobody has come for the claims of the fund, so that is why i am writing you this proposal as the remittance director of our Bank, in order for you to make claims of the fund as a New Appointed Beneficiary to Late Dr. Richard Ahmend.
In addition, there is no risk in this transaction, all i need from you is for you to help me with a trustworthy account where i am going to transfer the fund into, and once the fund gets into your account, i am going to give you the sum of 30% for your assistance. So if you have agree to help me, do not fail to get back to me, in order for me to give you the full details on how the fund will be transferred into your account without any problem.

Best Regards,
Mr.Ken Samuel.
Wait, why'd he call me Dear?

I haven't gotten one of these 419 scam emails in a long time. I wish I'd kept the ones I've gotten in the past. They're little works of art. Stupid art, yes, but still art.

It speaks volumes of my terminal boredom that I'm considering writing this assclown back. Maybe I should hook him up with one of those slutty Russian girls who keep sending me spam. It'll be a head-on collision of dumbass.

Update 4/25/07: He never did write me back. Jackass.

Sunday, April 15, 2007


As of Friday morning I no longer work for the stupid party supply company run by irrational idiots. I quit. Why should I work somewhere that literally makes me miserable every single day?

Meanwhile, I'll be eating ramen.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

It is joke, comrade

This photo is the funniest thing I've seen on Ebay in a long time. Or maybe it's the stupidest thing I've seen on Ebay in a long time. Whichever it is, you have to be a camera nerd to appreciate it. See, it's a clunky Ukranian FED 5, a camera you can buy for under $50. (I've got a FED 5S and can vouch for its clunkiness.) And it's been painted black and someone's put Leica logos and stuff on it so that it sorta, kinda, maybe looks like a black M-series Leica if you squint and are really drunk or high. M-series Leicas cost thousands new and are only slightly cheaper used. (The lovely M7 in the photo below costs more than my Buick, I'm sure.) Translated into non-camera nerd speak: It's the equivalent of painting Porsche on a Yugo.
The dealer (located in Moscow) isn't selling it as a real Leica, it's advertised as a "Perfect copy of a Leica". And he isn't selling to make tons of money either. You can buy the thing for $108. I can't see it fooling anyone but the very stupid. Mainly I suppose it appeals to camera collectors as a sort of joke.

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam

My spam for the most part is the usual stuff: penis-enlargement, prescription drugs, fake Rolexes, weight loss, stock tips, diploma mills, etc. Lately though I've gotten a few interesting ones, mainly from Eastern Bloc spammers catering to my baser needs:
My name is kourtney. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(
If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at
Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)
A recent spam touting some vague business opportunity ended in the following bewildering fashion:
Sorry if this was sent to you by mistake as we were told you are someone interested in this type of thing.

Now worries send me back a email letting me know you wish no more.
But today I got perhaps the greatest spam I've ever read:
If you are a lesbian and you can't find your better half, if you lack attention and love, if you can't find understanding with other girls and you want to change your life, please, read this. Now you have a fantastic chance to start your new life, saving from all your problems and hang-ups.

If you want to - Change your life;
- Save from your problems and hang-ups;
- Become more sexually attractive for other girls;
- Meet more beautiful women, without any problems;
- Grab all the attention;
- Increase your self-confidence;
- Get approached by another lezzies far more often;
- Make a fantastic impression every day and hour - You have a chance to do this now!

Alpha-Pheromone perfume - it is a unique way to change your life. It is a perfume for sexual attraction of humans of the opposite sex. Now, we propose you an excellent possibility to order Alpha-Pheromone perfume to attract lesbians! You will forget all your problems with your single life! Buying Alpha-Pheromone perfume, you will open new prospects for your intimate and everyday life.
And they ever have a website.

Damn, it's really too bad I'm not a lesbian or I'd be all over that like stink on an ape. But perhaps that's a poor choice of words.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Too much paranoias

The internet paranoia continues. Yesterday morning I opened my Yahoo mail account and saw there was a message from some My Space person. (Yes, I have a My Space account which I never, ever use. One of you, who shall remain nameless, semi-badgered me into getting it a couple of years ago so I could read their stuff during their brief(?) obsession with My Space.) The only email I get from My Space people are from the occasional cam whore, and even that's kind of rare.

I logged into My Space and looked into my messages. The first one I saw had a subject that was my name (with the last name) and several question marks. Naturally, I began to panic wondering who had tracked me down this time. Maybe it was my old gym teacher, Mr. Whatshisname. That red-faced little freak, I'd like to mash his head. But I digress.

So I read the message, which was from some girl asking if I was the same Scott that went to some high school I've never heard of. How did she get my last name? My last name isn't anywhere on the damn My Space page. The only information there is the name Scott, my age, and the state I live in. Nothing else. No links. No photos. No posts of any kind. Nothing. Was it was just a total shot in the dark on her part? She saw my name was Scott, that I was the right age (I guess), and that I live in Virginia? And she somehow got my last name right? Bizarre.

I sent her a message through My Space (the first time I've ever done this, really) and told her she had the wrong Scott. She sent a quick reply saying she was sorry and wished my a happy Easter. And for some reason she changed her avatar from a picture of a dog on a couch to a photo of herself. Whatever. I still don't know who she is, but it kind of creeps me out.

If brains were gunpowder

Today someone at work seriously suggested to me that I could get the hair on my arms transplanted to my ever-balding head. This person says all kinds of bizarre and idiotic things constantly, but as hairy as my arms are, do they really think they would be a suitable treatment for my bald head? I should probably consider myself lucky he didn't suggest that I get the hair from my butt.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Creeping paranoia

Earlier in the week I checked my Yahoo mail account because I wanted to look at my spam since it's gotten sort of interesting lately. (Yes, I fully aware of how much I need a life.) In the regular inbox there was an email with a subject that read "old high school friend" or something similar. (I'm too lazy to check.) I sort of groaned when I saw it, wondering who on earth was contacting me. No one ever sends me email unless they want me to have a larger penis, buy prescription drugs, invest in dodgy schemes, or help them get millions of dollars out of a Nigerian bank. OK, I'm exaggerating, but I don't get much personal email in this account, which is also the email account for this blog.

I looked at the name on the email and it was Jeff, my old best friend from like 7th grade until he moved away right after 10th grade. How the hell did he find me after all these years? After we exchanged an email or two I found out. Back in December I put some information up on my old unused Flickr account and then forgot about it. I put my name (with last name), a small photo of my face in all its hideousness, my hometown, my email address, and a link to my blog. GAH! What did I do that for? (I plead insanity.) An old high school friend tracking me down via Google and Flickr is one thing, but family members and co-workers possibly doing it is something else entirely, so I took that information down and then went around the entire internet taking other information down in a fit of paranoia worthy of the Nixon administration. So I guess the crisis (such as it was) has been averted. My nightmares involve me being shown a printout of my blog at work and asked to explain myself. Other nightmares involve me being spanked by naked midgets, but I digress.

Anyway, back to Jeff. We used to play Dungeons & Dragons together and he and his older brother Mike would come over to my house to play video games on the Atari 2600 or Commodore 64 and annoy my sister. We were nerds. Hmmm... Sounds like I had an almost normal childhood. Or at least a really nerdy adolescence. Good thing I grew out of that. Shut-up!

Jeff was so inspired by the inanities of my blog that he's gone and started his very own. So enjoy the blogging enthusiasm while it lasts, Jeff. When the enthusiasm takes a hike, as mine did long ago, you'll look at your blog one morning and say, "Why the hell do I do this?"

Friday, April 06, 2007

Career opportunities

Remember last month (or whenever) when I was going on about this new better paying job I might get? No? Well, just play along and pretend you know what the hell I'm talking about. I decided not to take the job. Actually, I made this decision a couple of weeks ago, but just never got around to mentioning it here because I'm wracked with sloth. I toured the place and saw the horrible jobs on offer and just couldn't see myself doing them for any length of time without shooting myself. It's like Dante's Inferno in there. And I messed up my lower back around the same time basically doing nothing. There's heavy lifting on this job and I'd end up in traction after a few hours of schlepping heavy crap. Oh, and they have twelve hour shifts. I'll pass.

So, in lieu of a life of toil and misery, I've decided to give up regular work altogether and follow my dream of becoming a clown. I'll rent myself out to children's parties and the like. My name will be Fuzzy-Nuts the Clown.

Monday, April 02, 2007

The American system of taxation is deranged and criminal

Over the weekend I decided that I'd put off doing my taxes long enough. Last year I started doing them myself online and I recalled it being fairly boring and somewhat nit-picky, but not necessarily difficult. So Saturday night I turned off the Miles Davis and Velvet Underground CDs and set to work.

It didn't start so well as I couldn't locate last year's return. I couldn't even remember the password I'd used on the unnamed tax filing conglomerate's website where I did my taxes. Eventually I found last year's return, but I couldn't locate anything else other than the W-2 from my job and the sad document from my bank showing the miniscule amount generated by the interest in my checking account.

About two thirds of the way through I had an actual fit. I was asked to provide information from some strange document I didn't have. If I didn't have it and didn't even know what the hell it was, then how I was supposed to provide the information they needed? The website's "help" feature was strangely silent on this subject. After a long episode of pained ranting and muttered curses, I figured out that what they wanted was the goddamn document from my bank listing my checking interest. Whatever.

To make a long story even longer and sadly duller, I ended up owing money. Almost $100, to be exact. I've never owed money to the government and I've always gotten a return. The returns have gotten steadily smaller over the years, but I've still gotten them. Last year's was around $280 or so. I was hoping to use this year's return toward getting a new digital camera.

At my job, once January 1 comes around, my co-workers always go on and on about their tax return and what they're going to do with the money. But the people who always do this have kids. Single childless people (like me) get the shaft. So I've decided to get married and have a few kids. Naturally it'll be a marriage of misery and suffering. The kids will end up hopelessly maladjusted, even as maladjusted as I am. And a few of you have spent time with me in meat-space, so you have an inkling of just how maladjusted I am.

My requirements for a mate are few. She must be of robust nature. She must be able to fend for herself. She must be able to keep the damn kids away from my stuff. And she must be willing to engage in the occasional bout of vigorous love-making. Mainly I just need a female human of some sort and some kids. Also, I'd like it if she were able to do what the woman in the picture above is doing. Naked.

Photo courtesy of Spam Glam.