Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Oh, blogging

I've come to the conclusion that I hate blogging.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Yo! Bum Rush the Photos

Like I've said once or twice before over the past few weeks, I've been spending a lot of time at Flickr and posting lots of weirdo images at my page. (And mostly I've been ignored buy the other Flickroids.)

Anyway, Flickr changed its interface, and I saw the above button after I'd uploaded some photos. When I first read it, I thought it said, "SAVE THIS BITCH". So now whenever I upload anything I can hear a guy in my head scream, "SAVE THIS BITCH!" The guy in my head may be Flava Flav, but I'm not sure.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Eight random things about me

Gah! I've been tagged for a meme yet again! Grrr! This time it's the scurrilous Jeff who's responsible for this insolence. I'm supposed to list eight random things about me. Eight things?!
  1. When I was little I used to love to pick my nose. I won't go into anymore detail.
  2. I can't swim. And I don't really care.
  3. I love watching cooking shows on TV.
  4. I rarely cook anything more complicated than heating up ramen in the microwave.
  5. I used to want to be a cartoonist. Not being very good at it pretty much cured me. Well, that and the fact that I took a drawing class once and learned to hate drawing. But doodling I love.
  6. I hate to use public toilets. And I'm just referring to peeing in them. There's no way in hell I'm sitting down in one of those unless it's life or death.
  7. I'm more comfortable around animals than people. Although people smell better. Well, most people.
  8. When I was a lot younger, more than anything else, I wanted to be a pilot. I've ridden an airplane exactly once in my life.
There. It's done. I'm supposed to chose several other people, but I think everybody's been chosen, except maybe Sherri, who's probably done it already, and Jammies, who's busy with some dog-related catastrophe. Xolo's leaving the country and has no time for this nonsense. Sara's in parts unknown and only blogs once a year now. Cindy's busy mourning her 20's. And my sister is MIA. So there. No one else can do it.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Monday morning I found myself in Wal-Mart yet again. (I've been getting film developed there because it's so damn cheap.) As I was cutting through the grocery section, I saw the black bag of the new mysterious Doritos X-13D. I'd seen these before and been curious, but this morning I impulsively grabbed a bag. I thought, "How bad can they be?" Well, pretty bad, as it turns out.

When I got home I popped one in my mouth and was immediately hit with a nasty-ass wall of nastiness. What is that, I thought. Pickle? Mustard? It's MUSTARD! It's a thirty yard high wall of mustard! I hate mustard. It took forever to get the taste out of my mouth.

I looked online to see what everyone else was saying about this misguided snack food. The most opinions I saw were in the comments of some kind of gaming blog. Oddly, most of the hundred or so commenters liked this abomination. And most of them said it tasted like a hamburger (specifically a fast food one) with pickles, ketchup, mustard, etc. on it. I didn't grow up eating all that crap on my hamburgers, so it's no surprise that I don't want gobs of toxic mustard stank on my tortilla chips.

Apparently they're having a contest to give these things a name. I suggest Vomitos.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

The internet scares me

It's that time again. My file of stupid, scary, and perverted search requests people have actually used to blunder across my tedious blog has grown quite large. So here's the latest batch for you to use as nightmare fodder.

belt spankings for tough guys
A volume that will never be selected for Oprah's book club.

how to shoot downhill
I find this one completely bewildering.

X-ray machine exorcist
I have all of their albums, but the early stuff is best.

big ass blogspot gallery
This is what my next blog will be.

jaunty penis pics
Jaunty? What, are they wearing little hats or something?

little flaky things on your penis
Not on my penis, thank you very much.

root beer barrel nipples
Hey, check out the root beer barrel nipples on that chick!

spanking machine story
Once long ago in a land far away there was a man who owned a spanking machine. He was a very lonely man.

rube porno
So, it's like porno featuring slack-jawed yokels?

illegal Bikini
It's made out of human skin.

goodyear blimp peeing out window from blimps
Are you looking for news stories about peeing out of the window of the Goodyear blimp, porno about peeing out of the window of the Goodyear blimp, or instructions on how to pee out of the window of the Goodyear blimp?

"the gecko" sexual position
Just don't try the Geico sexual position.

sherry and jay porn
You spelled Sherri wrong. Heh-heh.

does getting staples out of scalp hurt
I would have to say yes.

ordering from spam e mail drugs penis account
Penis account?

lizard flim
I have nothing to add to this.

image of a big spammed bird
Hunters using Spam as a method of hunting? Are they firing it out of a cannon?

i wanked in front of my school teacher
And she gave you an F.

japanese extreme porn food
I'm not eating that.

chinese person with stitches in the head
Why specifically Chinese? No, don't tell me, I don't care anymore.

are there any famous people who swear by colon cleansing?
Of course! Didn't you know that one of the best kept secrets to sucess is colon cleansing?

1950's enema photos
Sorry, my vast collection of enema photos doesn't go back that far. Weirdo.

how do porn stars clean their colon
I think I saw a program on the Discovery channel about this.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Romance language

Yesterday I bought some film on Ebay from a seller in Taiwan. (Don't ask.) Anyway, the seller had the note shown below to alert buyers from France:

So that's the problem of mail delivery in France? They're too romantic? My mind wanders. Imagine a French mailman wearing a beret, smoking an unfiltered Gaullois, saying the following in a really cheesy French accent: "Ze mail? Oh, ze mail, she weel be deleevered wan she is deleevered. Bot raht now I weel mek ze lov weeth zis beutifool woooman!"

OK, maybe not.