This was funnier at work

Ponderings

While getting ready to get in the shower, I suddenly thought of the Grinch. You know, the one who stole Christmas. I wondered if he had nipples. Then I wondered if there was a female of his kind. If not, then maybe that was why he was such a Grinch.

Naturally, after the Grinch, I thought of Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. Did he have nipples? Was there a female Grouch? I have vague recollections of female Grouch. Oscar's mother perhaps. When I was little I used to wonder what Oscar was. "What is he," I would ask. The answer, "He's a Grouch," never satisfied me.

And speaking of Muppets, can any of you picture Cookie Monster having sex? I can. Easily. Why, I don't know. But, for whatever reason, I just can't picture Grover getting it on.

Dead Snowman

I was going to actually think up a really good post for today, but I've been watching movies and don't really feel like doing anything else. Consequently, my put upon readers (all two of you) get bottom of the barrel stuff like this photo I took back in 1986 or so of a dead snowman I made.

It's all in the name

Yesterday I got an email out of the blue from my sister, who no doubt was in one of her moods to converse with the world outside of her head.

I had this freaky-ass dream last night where we were both wandering out in the back yard by the garden and I was somehow using a graphics program's "fill" option to color in the soil, then a farmer inexplicably tossed you a bag of shrimp. You then shrieked like a girl, said "cock!", then stopped yourself. You apparently thought the bag of shrimp was a bag of men's wee-wees.

Yeah, America's new snack treat. By Frito-Lay.

Yep, fellas, she's single! Anyhoo, earlier that day at work, I remembered an idea I had for a new food delicacy: donkey dicks. I even had a catchy name that easily lent itself to advertisement: Donkey-Dick-A-Licious.

When I told my sister about Donkey-Dick-A-Licious she suggested I sell them door-to-door so it would be Door-To-Door-Donkey-Dick-A-Licious. So helpful, that woman.

For some reason I'm reminded of something from my childhood. When I was little I thought Vienna sausages looked like little penises. It's no wonder I ended up like I did.

Why I don't own a cat: reason number 5873

Stop staring at me!

The Modern Kitchen

Poor Julia

Thumbs up

Today at work I noticed that my supervisor has what looks like a toe-thumb. I doubt it's actually a toe that has been transplanted to replace a severed right thumb, but it sure looks like a toe. I have no idea why I'd never noticed it before.

Family Life with Humans

The forbidden button

Today at work, since we have to work Easter Monday, a lot of people left early. I had to stay.

The crazy guy had been running one of the CNC machines, but it hadn't finished its cycle by the time he was ready to leave, so he told me to turn it off when it was finished. He pointed to a red button and said, "Just push this button. You don't have to zero the machine or anything. Actually, if you zero it, the machine will tear itself apart." He looked at the keypad on the machine and then pointed to a key (presumably the one you press to zero the machine). "Don't press this key." Then he left.

Of course, after that, all I could think of doing was pressing that key.

The perfect job

This morning at work, the crazy guy suddenly launched into a story that had absolutely nothing to do with anything we had been discussing.

"One time I went whitewater rafting with these other guys. There was this guy whose job it was to take people down the river. He was a guide, and that's all he did. That night when we got out of the river, there was this huge cooler that was filled with alcohol. I mean it had everything: beer, Jack Daniels, gin, vodka, you name it. The guide got so messed up that he couldn't stand and ended up calling his wife to come and get him. THAT'S THE PERFECT JOB FOR ME!!"

I just nodded.

The Atmosphere

I have a blue dot on my elbow

Some time in my early teens, I think, I noticed that I had a blue dot on my right elbow. It's barely an eighth of an inch across and looks vaguely like a faded tattoo. Honestly, I have no idea where it came from. I suppose it's possible that it's some type of birthmark, but I've never heard of a birthmark that's a small blue dot.

I took a picture of it about an hour ago. It's not a particularly helpful photo, but it's the best I can do under the circumstances. In person the blue dot is darker.



What may have happened is that I was poked or stabbed with a ballpoint pen when I was little and I simply don't remember that it happened. Maybe a little of the ink stayed in my skin and I ended up with an accidental tattoo. This scenario's not entirely that far-fetched. My sister remembers me running with a ballpoint in my mouth and tripping. The pen had no cap on it, and when I fell, the point jammed into the roof of my mouth. Then I'm told there was lots of shrieking and blood. Thankfully, I don't have any memory of this and when I look into my mouth I don't see any horrible scars or blue dots.

So, to sum up, I have a blue dot on my elbow.

The future from the perspective of 1960

I'm back to raiding old encyclopedias for material again. This time I was flipping randomly through a World Book Encyclopedia Year Book from 1960 that I found at a thrift store.



Screw the flying cars; I want my nose heater!

Of dongs and things

Like every single person on earth with email access, I get stupid penis enlargement spam. Recently, I got some with fairly strange wording. I don't think it was done entirely to foil spam filtering either; it was probably because it was written by people who don't know English that well. Or at least I hope that's the explanation. A few of my favorite examples are reproduced below (with unhelpful commentary added by me).

Your member on some centimeters becomes thicker!
Only on some centimeters? Not all of them? That's no good.

Pullulate your copulation organ with loads of inches running on the supreme therapeutics.
Frankly, that sounds a little frightening to me. Also, painful.

Do not let ladies prefer dildo to you!
I'd like to see a dildo be witty. Damn dildos! I just can't compete.

Enlarge your manhood today and reap all the benefits.
These benefits, are they monetary?

Men always would like, that at them all was more, than at others.
Couldn't said it better if I tried.

If the man speaks you, that to him all the same with what at him the size of the member - he dissembles
He dissembles his member after speaking to me? Um...

Know her from the sexual side how is she inside exactly.
Exactly! What?

Your sexual member will lose confusing curvature and it becomes ideal by a straight line!
Often in intimate moments the confusing curvature of my member is pointed out to me. Thankfully they're not laughing, but that's probably because they're so confused what will the curvature and all.

No goodwill here

This morning I found myself standing at the counter in Goodwill waiting for the cashier to come over and ring up my sad purchases. As she walked up from behind me I had the strange feeling that she was going to playfully swat me on the ass. She didn't do this, thankfully. Not my type. She looks like a pregnant twelve year old.

Faux felines

When I was in the shower for some reason I began thinking of hairless cats. I wondered how much of an investment it would take to start breeding the ugly-ass things since they're a bit expensive. Then I wondered if anyone had ever tried to sell a fake hairless cat. Like maybe they shaved a regular old cat and tried to pass it off as a hairless. Or maybe they used some product like Nair on the kitty.

Wanktastrophe?

I got some second hand wanking advice at work today. The crazy guy (who just can't shut up and be still) came up to me and told me something the second in command of the machine shop had supposedly just said moments earlier. Apparently, if you sit on your hand until it goes numb, when you wank it feels like someone else's hand. Honestly, I'm speechless. And, no, I'm not trying it out. At least not any time soon.

Alligator Pear?

I was going to try and not post something that had anything at all to do with the damn Golden Book Encyclopedia, but I just couldn't resist. Actually, I just couldn't think of anything else to post.

Whilst perusing the volume I wrote about yesterday, I found an article on fruit that featured a world map showing where various fruits came from. One type of fruit caught my eye: alligator pear.



It looks like an avocado, doesn't it? Well, that's what it is, but apparently in the U.S. circa 1960 they called them alligator pears on those rare occasions they actually referred to them at all.

Pointless side note: last night I dreamed about a woman who was afraid to go down to her basement where the washer and drier were because there was a small alligator living behind them.

I think I ended up dreaming about the woman and the little alligator because I was reading about the damn alligator pear. Or maybe it was because I was looking at the picture shown below from one of my Dick and Jane books.

Family Life with Giant Chicken

This is day four in my slog down memory lane inside the Golden Book Encyclopedia.

One of my favorite things about the illustrations in these volumes is how they would meld related things together that makes (more or less) perfect sense to an adult, but just confuses the heck out of a kid.

In the illustration for the article on Family Life, we see a typical 50's suburban family on an outing. But, oddly, on the other side of the hill from their picnic table, is a family of Laplanders. Also, even stranger, above the Laplanders is a family of cavepeople who seem, based on their facial features, a few rungs lower on the evolutionary ladder than everyone else in this drawing. Suburban dad (with his pipe clenched in his teeth) appears to be looking right at the cavewoman, while his wife and daughter are completely oblivious.



And below is the giant chicken I mentioned in the comments of the previous post. Well, it may be a regular sized chicken and a tiny monument, but I prefer to think of it as a horrifically giant chicken.

Fun with Hans and Fritz

In yesterday's post I threatened yet another Golden Book Encyclopedia post today if nothing interesting happened at work. Well, I'm sad to say fuck all happened at work. So I'm stuck with the Golden Book Encyclopedia since it's late and I can't think of anything else.

I randomly selected a volume. It was the same volume from two days ago. Dammit! I put it back. I randomly selected another volume. When I opened it, the first thing I saw were these Nazi girls below.



The drawing style of the Nazi girls reminded me of the great Dick and Jane books, especially the ones published in the 50's. I have some of those, so I pulled one down and opened it. Almost immediately I find the kids voluntarily marching.



"Do you want to march with me?"

"Yes, I do," said Dick.

That's how it starts. First they're just playing, next they're in the Hitler Youth.

The Golden Book of Gay Porn

I enjoyed looking at the Golden Book Encyclopedia so much last night that I'm going to base a second post on it. (And if nothing interesting happens at work tomorrow I'll base a third post on it. So there.)



Yes, that's an illustration of naked men wrestling. It may very well be the most homoerotic illustration to ever appear in a children's book. Two of those guys are practically having full on butt-sex.

I have a confession to make. For some reason as a little kid I always liked this drawing. No idea what appealed to me then. Maybe I liked it because I hadn't ever seen anything else like it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I was also sneaking out my dad's girlie magazines around the same time, so I was an equal opportunity preschool pervert.

On a historical note, the naked man standing on the right appears to be using a strigil. When I was little I couldn't figure out what he had in his hand. I thought maybe it was a razor. Looking at it a few minutes ago I realized it was a strigil. So these aren't just naked men wrestling, no, these are oiled up naked men wrestling.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go cleanse my palate by looking at some pictures of naked girls.

Strange childhood memories

When I was little my sister and I got a hand-me-down set of the Golden Book Encyclopedia that were printed circa 1960. These things fascinated me mainly because of the illustrations. I don't think I ever bothered to actually read any of the articles. (Kinda like how most guys read Playboy, except I actually read the articles in there. Hell, I used to sneak out my dad's old copies from the early 70's to look at naked girls and end up getting engrossed in articles about Watergate.)

One of my favorite illustrations in these encyclopedias was for the iron lung. Why I don't know, but I loved the iron lung with the kid in it. I didn't know what an iron lung was, but it seemed like it would be really nice to be in one. I imagined it would be comfortable, warm, and secure.

It vibrates

Yesterday morning at work I was using this contraption called a burr bench, which takes newly milled metal parts and tumbles them in wet ceramic pellets to smooth the edges. It's like a top-loading washing machine, except smaller, and it vibrates like crazy.

While I was standing around trying to look useful, one of the other guys that works there came up to where I was. Then he said, while gesturing toward the burr bench, "There was this guy that used to work here. I'd be over on the other side and he'd be here. When I'd walk over, he'd be standing up against this with his nuts on top of it." Now when I use this machine I won't be able to think of anything else.

What's that smell?

I'd noticed on my first day on the job that some of the CNC machines smelled a bit like feet. I suspected the coolant, but I didn't know what was in the coolant or why it smelled bad only in certain machines. Today I found out that the machines that smell like feet have bacteria growing in the coolant. Lovely. What on earth is there for bacteria to eat inside a CNC machine? There's nothing in there but tiny bits of metal and coolant. And what the hell's in the coolant? I thought the main dangers working with these types of machines were things like getting my hands cut on sharp bits of metal; I had no idea I was sticking my hands inside a bacteriological stew.

Addendum: OK, this info is a little disturbing.

Drop the bomb!

A few days ago Jammies wrote something about a bath bomb called a Tisty Tosty. I'd heard of these bath bomb things before, but hadn't really given them much thought. Apparently you take this thing, drop it in your bath, and it fizzes like a giant Alka-Seltzer. I have no interest in girlie bath products, but a giant Alka Seltzer does interest me. I'd love to try out a bath bomb, but I refuse to buy girlie bath products. Also, I have no interest in smelling like girlie bath products. I need a manly bath bomb. Or just a giant Alka Seltzer. But can you make this sort of thing at home? Yes, you can. So you know what that means, don't you? HUGE BATH BOMB! Unfortunately, I take showers and don't have a bath tub. I may end buying a wash tub and sitting in it out in the front yard shrieking like a lunatic as the bath bomb fizzles out of control while horrified onlookers drive past the house.

But seriously, that homemade bath bomb recipe is the perfect thing for pure mayhem. Imagine making one the size of a riding lawnmower and heaving it into someone's swimming pool. Now that's wholesome family fun.

That’s why we now have a law about humanity

Being a student is hard. Especially if you're stupid. It's even harder when some jackass blogger with nothing better to do buys your old laptop on Ebay for $23, copies some of your old school work off the harddrive, and then posts it on his lame blog so the whole world can laugh at you:

In the movie, they told us where eugenics and sterlizetation first started which was the United States. They where trying to improve the human race, and trying to remove disease. Then Germany thought the same thing; they wanted to be just like us. They first started with the handicap. They made them so they could not have children. One day Hitler wrote a letter telling the doctors to give the people a mercy death or euthanasia. Then they took Jews from the ghettos and took them to concentration camps where the doctors played god. They did twin experiments, elevation experiments, water experiments, and brain experiments. With the twins they put them in a room nude for 6-8 hours. Measuring and checking, operating and not feeding them. In the elevation experiments they put a person in a room and lowered the pressure. And operated on the brain to see what happened or they look though a window to observe. In the water experiments they put people in ice cold water to see how they would react then they would try to revive them. Some ways by putting warm water in the body and other ways as well. With the brain experiments they took and person and hurt the head in some and then they cut the head open and looked at what happened. One doctor said that “Jews where evil and they brought all the bad things on Germany. They could not stand the Jews for this, that’s why they had the ghettos. They could have no peace with the Jews, and the Jews carried a lot of the disease”. After all the experiments where though with a lot of people they took them to a gas chamber and killed them a doctor had to be there to over see it and to make sure they where dead. After that they took them to ovens and burned the bodies and remains. In my opinion about the Nazi was that they where sick. They should not be able to do this to people. That’s why we now have a law about humanity.

I just hope this wasn't written for a college class.

File under: Not useful

This morning at work I was busy with more deburring and one of the other guys that works there was sort of helping out. Mainly he was just standing around talking and distracting me from what I was doing.

Mr. Spacely was paged over the intercom. Then the guy said to me, "You know, he has a fourteen inch dick." I just said, "Uhhh...." What the hell else am I supposed to say to that kind of statement? Monday mornings at work my brain simply isn't prepared to process bizarre sexual information about upper management. And then he said, "Well, I haven't seen it, but all the women say that."

Eventually he went to do something else and left me to my deburring.

Safe and effective?

Since Christmas I've developed the strange and possibly unhealthy habit of falling asleep on the couch with the TV on. Most nights, especially worknights, I tend to wake up around 12:30 or so, and then stagger to my bedroom. On weekends, with no real reason to wake up at any specific time the next morning, I'm more likely to spend the whole night on the couch.

Saturday morning I woke up around 5:30 and the Military Channel was showing something about World War II. Then a commercial came on for a product called Pos-T-Vac. I watched groggily, wondering what this product could possibly be. Then I saw it was a penis pump. They even showed the contraption in the commercial, thankfully sans penis. I couldn't believe that something like this was being advertised on TV, but then I realized I was watching the Military Channel at 5:30 in the morning. Who else would be watching a program about World War II at 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday other than old men who can't get it up?

So this Pos-T-Vac, how does it work?

An erection is achieved by first, placing the penis in a vacuum cylinder, then creating a vacuum, which generates blood flow into the penis which causes rigidity. The erection is held by support rings, which restrict the flow of blood back out of the penis. Using this system, an erection can be safely maintained for up to 30 minutes at a time.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Lewdness!

A couple of days ago I posted about the boob and dead guy flag we have here in Virginia. (Hmmm... The Boob and Dead Guy. Sounds like an English pub, but I digress.) Much to my surprise this morning, there was an article on the front page of the paper about some asinine new "lewdness" legislation idiot politicians are trying to make into law. The first paragraph of the article makes reference to the flag boob:

Hang a Virginia flag and its breast-baring image in your restaurant and you could lose your liquor license.

That's the warning of a Virginia Beach attorney opposed to a bill that more clearly defines what noisy, lewd or disorderly conduct could result in an establishment losing its license.

Later on in the article the flag boob makes a second appearance:

Holding a Virginia flag, attorney Kevin Martingayle pointed to the image of the woman's bared breast _ Virtue represents Virginia _ and said even it could be cause for losing a license.

This proposed law was brought about by some morons who got their skivies in a twist over some pictures on display at a Virginia Beach Abercrombie and Finch.

On Friday I thought about putting up a post with an altered Virginia flag with no dead guy and Virtue wearing a sports bra, but I decided against it because my photo manipulation skills aren't that great. Now I don't have to bother what with the war on lewdness breaking out upon the land.