I wrote the nonsense below last Saturday night. When I was about halfway through it I realized I was basically writing an unintentional parody of Diamond Geezer's Retail Therapy Project, where he got his loyal readers to vote on something he should buy himself for his birthday. Oops. Well, I do have a birthday coming up. Maybe you can vote on which of the items below that I should under no circumstances ever be allowed anywhere near. Or vote on which federal prison I should serve hard time in if I ever get my grubby hands on any of the items below.

A list of ten things I want, but really, really don't need.

1. A sitar--I've more than proven with both acoustic and electric guitars that I have no discernable musical talent, but yet I've wanted a sitar since the mid 80's. (Blame the Beatles.) What would I do with it? I'd probably just noodle around with it for a day or two and then just prop it up in a corner.

2. A Thompson submachine gun--I left that right-wing gun nut stuff when I grew out of being a thirteen year old Soldier of Fortune magazine reading dumbass, but a still I want a Thompson submachine gun. These weapons are true works of art and under no circumstances should raving lunatics like me be allowed to own one. Like the sitar, it'd end up propped in a corner.

3. A steam-roller--This needs no explanation, but mashing stuff is fun.

4. A fully functioning robot servant--OK, modern science hasn't caught up with this particular need yet, but one day it will, and, naturally, everyone will have one but me. It'll be 1995 all over again!

5. An alligator--Like the steamroller, this needs no further explanation, but like the submachine gun, people like me have no business owning them.

6. A really big laser of some sort--I have no idea what I'd do with it. Maybe cut stuff up with it. But that'd get old kinda quick.

7. A set of bagpipes--Since I was a wee lad I've wanted to own the most obnoxious musical instrument known to man or beast.

8. A kilt--See above.

9. A tuba--At heart I'll always be a frustrated musician. I want a brass tuba, not one of those white ones because they look like toilets.

10. An ostrich--Think of the mayhem I could cause with an enormous, angry bird.

Of course, this is just a short list; there's so many other stupid things I want like an x-ray machine, a flame-thrower, a jet engine, an array of dental equipment, a hovercraft, etc.