Yeah, yeah, scam, scam, blah, blah... Wait, what did you just say?

I've mentioned in the past how I like scam emails, especially ones with convoluted stories about someone needing help getting millions out of a bank in Nigeria or someplace. (In fact, I used to have a blog about such emails, but I got tired of it.)

Lately I've been collecting these emails for reasons that remain mysterious, but I haven't really been reading them. I just slap them into a Word document and get on with my dull life. Well, I should really read some of these things. Today I got one that ordinarily I wouldn't have bothered to read, but for some reason I read a little of it--and it's completely nuts.

Dear Friend,

How are you? I hope all is well with your family, friends and pets. I hope this urgent mail meets you in a perfect condition. We have no time to waste regarding the information I am about to tell you, it is an urgent and serious matter.

My name is Professor FRANK, senior data analyst here at the CERN institute based here in Geneva (http://public.web.cern.ch/public/) CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, is one of the world's largest and most respected centres for scientific research. Its business is fundamental physics, finding out what the Universe is made of and how it works. You may have seen on the news that, in recent days, our Large Hadron Collider machine has been colliding high-speed beams of energy in order to explore new physics and understand how the universe began. CERN have been adamant that this is safe, however I KNOW THE TRUTH.

The truth is that this experiment that CERN are conducting is extremely dangerous, and could cause global disaster. This experiment has a 95% of causing a black hole, thus swallowing a large area of the planet. The scientists do not want you to know this as they know it will cause panic. However, I can help you.

I am arranging for a number of selected people to be evacuated to a safe location on an island in the South Pacific via aeroplane. You have been selected from random to take part in this evacuation, thus continuing the survival of the human race.

Please, if you are interested, email me back immediately with the following information:

Full name:
Age:
Contact number:
Country:
Email address:

Please send all emails to my private box:>
european_organization_nuclear_research@hotmail.com
Regards, and God bless.
Professor FRANK

Why can't most of my email be this wonderfully insane. I don't ask for much in life, decent food, good porn, a comfy bed, and insane email. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Take that, Mr. Nosey!

This morning I went to a depressing semi-pawnshop and bought a 4GB SD drive for $10. As a lark, I decided to run a free data recovery program on it to see if I could find something interesting.

This data recovery program (called DiskDigger) was able to find loads and loads of images on that SD card. The problem? It was almost nothing but pictures of naked super morbidly obese women and grannies. Yes, grannies. These were all images gleaned from the web, not pictures they had taken themselves. I'd basically bought someone's secret porn stash, and to put it mildly, their tastes in porn differ significantly from mine.

I typed this with a braille keyboard since I had to pull my eyes out and fling them across the room. Sadly, I'll never be able to wash the images of granny porn out of my head.

Now I need to find out if it's possible to clean an SD card with rubbing alcohol without ruining it. I'm almost positive it has residual spooge on it.

Sparkly!!!!111

Supposedly this Text Space thing is used by all the kids with their My Spaces, Facebooks, Yahoos and whatnots. I don't understand the internet and new things frighten me, but I did manage to make a sparkly text with this thing.

It's supposed to be an animated gif, but Blogger seems to have broken it. And it just ain't that funny without the animated sparkly stuff.

I want one

Feel it up

I've been reading about this supposed book of porn for the blind that's been all over the news, "with explicit text and raised pictures of naked men and women", so I had to find these raised images of naked people to judge for myself, seeing as how I'm an expert in the field of porno.

The image included on the link above isn't sexy at all. In fact, it's creepy as hell. What do the other images look like? Surprisingly, they aren't that hard to find online.

Tactile Mind [NSFW!], the name of the book/magazine, has its own blog. But right away I can see that this isn't what the news articles said it was. This isn't a porn magazine being launched, it's an expensive art book. Also, the images (which is what I wanted to see in the first place) are not exactly what I would call arousing, they're more creepy and arty.

I could drone on at length about how the media lazily misrepresents things such as art for shock value and yucks, but I won't because I don't feel like it.

Great post, huh? Glad I'm blogging again? No? Ha-ha.

Print is dead

Hmmm... Somebody emailed me an experimental poem. It's good to see the avant-garde spirit alive and well in these dull times. And email is a far better method of publishing and distributing literature than print.

Ake another cake for you. [_She makes a very, very small cake and puts
it in the oven._] BEGGAR. I thank you, good woman. [_The woman takes the
cake from the oven._] WOMAN. This cake is too large to give away. I will
give you a slice of bread. [_She cuts a slice from a loaf of bread._]
BEGGAR.
I thank you-- WOMAN. A slice is too much to give
away. Here
is a crust for you. [_The beggar shakes her head._] BEGGAR. May you
never taste cake again! May the very cake in your mouth seem to be
crust!
If you will not give, you shall not have! WOMAN.

Go, go! [_The beggar throws off her cloak; a_ FAIRY
_is seen._] WOMAN. A Fairy! You are a Fairy? FAIRY. I am the Fairy
of Good Deeds. You would not give--you shall not have! [_The Fairy
goes._] WOMAN. As if cake could
ever taste like
bread! 'Tis impossible--impossible! (_She

eats a cake._) What is this? I see

Yeah, I know it's just spam, but I like it. Well, sorta.

NaBloIgMo?

Today I found out there was a NaBloPoMo, which is the National Blog Posting Month where the challenge is to post something on your blog every day for a month. I wonder if there's something for people who ignore their blogs for a full month because I would totally rule at doing that.

Incidentally, I'm not that impressed by anyone posting something to their blog every day for a month. It's not that big of a deal. I think that the first year of my blog's existence, I posted something on all but two or three days. Go look. On better thought, don't look because that crap's embarrassing.

News from my hometown

Here's a clip from a newspaper in Richmond, VA that concerns something demented that happened months ago down here in Danville, VA. (My sister found this and sent it to me before Christmas and I forgot about it, but such is old age and memory.)

Links? You want links? Huh? Well, here's one and here's another. And on reading these links, I don't see anything about the guy thinking the opossum was a weiner dog. I'm inclined to think this is a joke by one of the writers on the Richmond Times Dispatch that references the shooting of a miniature dachshund by a Danville cop last summer.

I had a new post planned

This new post I had planned would've been great. Funny even. Painfully so. But I couldn't get it together enough to even think about writing it. So, it didn't get written. And I should probably feel a lot worse about not writing it than I do, but I don't. I guess that makes me a bad person.

Hang on!

Toyota Simulator. Doesn't need any more explanation.

You really have no idea. None at all.

In addition to the tea, Helen also sent some other stuff. Snack food type stuff. Kinda. I think. I was going to write about the little Japanese cookies, but since I actually thought they tasted good and weren't particularly weird, I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say about them. See, this is why I could never be a critic of any kind because I'm apparently only inspired by awfulness or strangeness.

Awfulness. Strangeness. Yes. Which brings me to the topic of today's post and third thing in Helen's package: fruit flavored beef jerky. I'll let that settle into your brain a bit. Just ponder it a little; I'll wait. It's beef jerky. Beef jerky that tastes like fruit. Hell, maybe I should just show a picture of the package.

Yes, I know it looks like a cow patty, but trust me, it's meat. Meat that tastes like fruit.

Judging by the Chinese on the package, it's aimed at Chinese folks, but it's made in the US. There's a Dept. of Agriculture logo on it and everything. But despite all of this seemingly normal information I still can't force my brain to process the concept of meat that's supposed to taste like fruit. If I think about it too long I begin to ponder other possible products: fruit that tastes like meat, fruit that tastes like other fruit, meat flavored soft drinks, meat scented shampoo, flavored clothing, etc.

There's a peculiar statement on the back of the package that no matter how many times I've read it, still makes no sense: "The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale it is derived from animals that received ante-and post-mortem inspection and were found sound and healthy and has been inspected and passed as provided by law and regulations of USDA." Yes, that's one sentence. OK, most of it makes sense, despite the clunky syntax. But what most worries me is the part that reads, "The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale". It's not for sale? But Helen bought it at a store. And if it's not for sale then tahtih aiht [oakfw[ oeih ifjw ci[owhc[oihvlkjvn; ;lk

Sorry, I my brain can only take so much.

"But when is he going to get to how it tastes?!!!" I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. Actually, I've already gotten to it. I tasted the stuff about an hour ago and I've been avoiding the memory of it ever since.

I really thought it would taste like fruit. I really did. I guess there was a fruitiness to it. Maybe. What I can dimly recall is an overpowering sweetness and acidity. But in the background fighting to get in the foreground was the unmistakable taste of roast beef. After I put it in my mouth and began chewing I immediately went to the bathroom because I was pretty sure I was going to have to spit it out. And I couldn't just spit it in the floor, could I? Maybe at your house I could, but I live here. But I didn't spit it out; somehow I managed to swallow it.

For the sake of science, I have to taste it again.

Oh, god, the smell. It's like meat, but with something else. [I should write advertising copy for a living.]

The taste? Chemicals, horrible sweetness, and meat! Gak!

People mail me things sometimes

A couple of weeks ago in a comment, Helen brought up something called "grass jelly tea" and offered to send me some because it was so horrible. I had never heard of grass jelly tea, so I looked it up and found some information about a strange gelatinous substance made from a type of plant. It looked positively vile (imagine black licorice Jell-O, except worse), so I couldn't wait for Helen's package to arrive. I imagined a jiggling glop that would slide repulsively down my throat leaving a vomit-like aftertaste. (She said it tasted like vomit.) But, today her package arrived and it contained (among other things) a simple box of tea that looked not that different from what I would find in a dollar store, save for the Chinese on the box. Hmmm... Clearly not gelatinous.

The lable on the box reads "Chrysanthemum & Puerh Tea" and doesn't say anything about "grass jelly". I looked at the other things in the box (more about them in time), but there wasn't anything gelatinous. The first sentence of Helen's included letter read, "Here is some delicious Chrysanthemum tea, also known as grass jelly tea." Ah-ha! So the regular looking tea is the grass-jelly tea, but what the hell was that gelatinous crap I saw online?

The teabag smelled a little different than typical tea, but that's nothing unusual. I was intrigued by the fact that this was supposedly Pu'erh tea. I've got some Pu'erh tea I got straight from China off Ebay which are little hard pucks of weirdness that brew up to smell vaguely like manure, but taste not quite like manure. Actually, it's not that bad tasting, but I'm not crazy about it. Is this stuff Helen sent me going to be the same, I wondered, except not pressed into a puck? Wouldn't it be funny if I actually liked it? [Pictured below is the Pu'erh I got off Ebay.]

I brewed up a cup and what I ended up with was something that smelled objectionable (but not like manure) and tasted strange and vaguely unpleasant in ways that I can't even describe other that to say it's peppery. Of course peppery isn't bad, I like pepper, but this stuff is nasty in mysterious ways that I'm not able to articulate. I will add that it doesn't taste like vomit. The idea of trying another cup makes want to vomit though, but I'm going to have to try another cup. The first one was sweetened, but the second cup won't be. I can't imagine it will make a difference.

OK, I've made a second cup and it still stinks. How can describe the smell? Dirty wet dog? No. Anyway, it's a musty, vile reek that I find difficult to deal with since I'm supposed to be drinking this substance. The taste? Oddly, it's far more palitable unsweetened. I didn't say it was good, mind you, but it's not quite as repugnant. It's sort of bland, actually. And down the drain it went.

I'm going to save the other two things Helen sent for posts in the next few days because I don't want to blow it all at once.

Funny but harmful

The image below is a screen capture from Ebay.

It's about time someone catered to the market that demands jokes be both funny and harmful.

And I guess the beating you'll get after tricking someone into drinking this crap will also be funny but harmful.

Finally, my long wait is over

Handerpants are underpants for your hands. Yes. Underpants. For your hands.

Juvenile, yes, but amusing

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been drinking tea quite a bit lately. I've also been checking out various online sellers of fancy tea. Yesterday I followed an add link to some tea outfit in Taiwan and I began to look around. I know I'm not twelve years old, but the picture below amused me.

 

Ding Dong Fields. Yes. It's lucky the people who work there speak Chinese or they would be giggling and snickering like schoolgirls all day.

Jiz!!!

Back in the mid-80's my sister and I started watching a stupid cartoon called Jem about an all girl rock group called Jem and the Holograms. We were supposedly watching to make fun of it, but I think we were also a little caught up in the plot, such as it was. (This is the kind of thing people did in olden times before they had the internet.) In 1986 my sister went off to college. My first Sunday morning alone, I changed the channel to Jem like we always did. I sat there watching it for maybe five whole minutes before I asked myself, "Why am I watching this crap?" Needless to say, I didn't watch Jem ever again.

Anyway, a few days ago (via somebody's damn Twitter account) I was introduced to Jiz, a crudely redubbed version of Jem. Be warned that the audio is totally not safe for work.



The sequel isn't as funny as the original, but it's worth watching.

Why am I Always the Last to Know?

This is an old blog. A very old blog. An ancient blog. A blog so old that it was originally done on a manual typewriter connected to a long string and a can. Blogs I used to read have come and gone, mostly gone. And I don't even bother to read that many blogs these days. So it was easy for me to miss a post the recently reactivated Sherri put up about the commenting system we ancient bloggers use because our blogs are so old that Blogger didn't even have a built-in commenting system way back in the olden days when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

What am I talking about? Haloscan, the commenting system I've used for over seven years is ceasing to exist on February 13th. Which means all the comments this blog has accumulated for over seven years will be gone. I can back them up, in fact, I've already done so, but they won't be accessible any longer unless I subscribe to this new service called Echo or some shit. So I can either pay money for this new unproven thing or just dump it and go with Blogger's built-in system. I think I'm just going to cut my losses and stick with Blogger.

Something Pointless About Tea

I've been drinking tea quite a bit lately. I tend to prefer Earl Grey varieties (Stash is my favorite), but I've been drinking other types as well.

One of the most easily purchased tea brands in my area is Bigelow. Their most popular variety is something called "Constant Comment". I got three bags of this in a Bigelow variety pack I bought yesterday. I tried this tea for the first time this morning; I even looked forward to it. But, after a few sips I imagined the "Constant Comment" this tea elicited just had to be, "This is awful!" Imagine, if you will, a tea that combines mediocre black tea with orange rind and several sticks of Dentyne. And when you burp you can still taste it an hour or more later. But yet it's Bigelow's most popular kind of tea.

Why am I telling you all of this? Mainly because I look forward to my cup of tea at the nine o'clock break at work and I ruined it with this vile substance. Well, it wasn't completely ruined since I did get to go home not long after because it was snowing and sleeting so hard.

And I'm annoyed because for the second weekend in a row I won't be able to go buy any good tea because it's snowing. I wish they sold better teas in stores near my home, but they don't. I love Stash Earl Grey, but I'm not getting killed driving all the way across town in a vortex of frozen doom just to get it.

I don't like Bigelow's Earl Grey either. So there.

Boring things about a dead guy

J.D. Salinger died a day or two ago. If this was 20 years ago I'd be bummed out about his death, but these days I don't really care.

The only reason for this post to show off this ancient copy of Catcher in the Rye I got a thrift store several years ago. (I think I paid 25¢.) It's unusual in that it actually has an illustration of Holden Caufield on the cover. Or at least it's unusual to me. The only other copies I've ever seen are the stupid burgundy one everyone and their grandma has.



And here's the back.



This post was so great in my head, but it just died on the screen. Maybe I should go back to not posting since I do that so well.

I'm on the internets

I guess it's time for a new blog post. Sadly, I have nothing at all to write about. What have I been doing lately? Working at my crummy job mostly, but when I'm at home I've been camped out in the living room under a blanket. My office is cold enough to store meat, so I don't spend much time in there anymore. I'm waiting for the spring thaw. The laptop keeps my junk from freezing and breaking off.

Also, here's a video of a really fat cat. Listen the nice THUD it makes when it falls over.