Friday, April 23, 2010

Yeah, yeah, scam, scam, blah, blah... Wait, what did you just say?

I've mentioned in the past how I like scam emails, especially ones with convoluted stories about someone needing help getting millions out of a bank in Nigeria or someplace. (In fact, I used to have a blog about such emails, but I got tired of it.)

Lately I've been collecting these emails for reasons that remain mysterious, but I haven't really been reading them. I just slap them into a Word document and get on with my dull life. Well, I should really read some of these things. Today I got one that ordinarily I wouldn't have bothered to read, but for some reason I read a little of it--and it's completely nuts.

Dear Friend,

How are you? I hope all is well with your family, friends and pets. I hope this urgent mail meets you in a perfect condition. We have no time to waste regarding the information I am about to tell you, it is an urgent and serious matter.

My name is Professor FRANK, senior data analyst here at the CERN institute based here in Geneva (http://public.web.cern.ch/public/) CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, is one of the world's largest and most respected centres for scientific research. Its business is fundamental physics, finding out what the Universe is made of and how it works. You may have seen on the news that, in recent days, our Large Hadron Collider machine has been colliding high-speed beams of energy in order to explore new physics and understand how the universe began. CERN have been adamant that this is safe, however I KNOW THE TRUTH.

The truth is that this experiment that CERN are conducting is extremely dangerous, and could cause global disaster. This experiment has a 95% of causing a black hole, thus swallowing a large area of the planet. The scientists do not want you to know this as they know it will cause panic. However, I can help you.

I am arranging for a number of selected people to be evacuated to a safe location on an island in the South Pacific via aeroplane. You have been selected from random to take part in this evacuation, thus continuing the survival of the human race.

Please, if you are interested, email me back immediately with the following information:

Full name:
Age:
Contact number:
Country:
Email address:

Please send all emails to my private box:>
european_organization_nuclear_research@hotmail.com
Regards, and God bless.
Professor FRANK
Why can't most of my email be this wonderfully insane. I don't ask for much in life, decent food, good porn, a comfy bed, and insane email. That's not too much to ask, is it?

12 comments:

Sherri said...

I think the most wonderful part of the email is that the blackhole will only swallow up PART of the planet. Whatever bits of the planet are left over (apparently the South Pacific will be ok) will continue to spin on.

Doesn't this guy watch the Discovery Channel at the very least?

Scott said...

Don't you know that oceans are a perfect barrier to black holes? That's SCIENCE!!

Also, I like to imagine the guy who wrote this email being like Dr. Stranglove.

Viviana said...

I was happy to get one recently telling me I'd inherited 14 million pounds and that once I'd contacted the bank I could collect it from ATM machines all over the UK.

But this email is much, much better. Anything involving the LHC is full of win. I'm jealous.

Oooh, my captcha word is "kardocki". I think that could be Professor Frank's last name...

Scott said...

Kardocki would be a great name for something like a movie or book. Maybe a band or gadget.

Just telling it like it is said...

I know what do they think you are dumb

Just telling it like it is said...

I get no love I'm just saying

Mavro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mavro said...

Just contacted 'Professor Frank', let's hope it's not too late :)

Scott said...

I just checked my two huge Word docs of scam emails and found the same email from a Dr. Miller and a Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth. Things aren't looking so great a CERN.

Mavro said...

I didn't know Matt Groenig had connections at CERN...

Scott said...

The Farnsworth email didn't begin with, "Good news, everyone!" That's how I knew it was fake.

Mavro said...

I don't think this is a proper scam (if there is such a thing), there are too many references to American culture. Probably some high school kids in California looking for fun, or something like that. But we'll see...