You really have no idea. None at all.

In addition to the tea, Helen also sent some other stuff. Snack food type stuff. Kinda. I think. I was going to write about the little Japanese cookies, but since I actually thought they tasted good and weren't particularly weird, I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say about them. See, this is why I could never be a critic of any kind because I'm apparently only inspired by awfulness or strangeness.

Awfulness. Strangeness. Yes. Which brings me to the topic of today's post and third thing in Helen's package: fruit flavored beef jerky. I'll let that settle into your brain a bit. Just ponder it a little; I'll wait. It's beef jerky. Beef jerky that tastes like fruit. Hell, maybe I should just show a picture of the package.

Yes, I know it looks like a cow patty, but trust me, it's meat. Meat that tastes like fruit.

Judging by the Chinese on the package, it's aimed at Chinese folks, but it's made in the US. There's a Dept. of Agriculture logo on it and everything. But despite all of this seemingly normal information I still can't force my brain to process the concept of meat that's supposed to taste like fruit. If I think about it too long I begin to ponder other possible products: fruit that tastes like meat, fruit that tastes like other fruit, meat flavored soft drinks, meat scented shampoo, flavored clothing, etc.

There's a peculiar statement on the back of the package that no matter how many times I've read it, still makes no sense: "The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale it is derived from animals that received ante-and post-mortem inspection and were found sound and healthy and has been inspected and passed as provided by law and regulations of USDA." Yes, that's one sentence. OK, most of it makes sense, despite the clunky syntax. But what most worries me is the part that reads, "The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale". It's not for sale? But Helen bought it at a store. And if it's not for sale then tahtih aiht [oakfw[ oeih ifjw ci[owhc[oihvlkjvn; ;lk

Sorry, I my brain can only take so much.

"But when is he going to get to how it tastes?!!!" I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. Actually, I've already gotten to it. I tasted the stuff about an hour ago and I've been avoiding the memory of it ever since.

I really thought it would taste like fruit. I really did. I guess there was a fruitiness to it. Maybe. What I can dimly recall is an overpowering sweetness and acidity. But in the background fighting to get in the foreground was the unmistakable taste of roast beef. After I put it in my mouth and began chewing I immediately went to the bathroom because I was pretty sure I was going to have to spit it out. And I couldn't just spit it in the floor, could I? Maybe at your house I could, but I live here. But I didn't spit it out; somehow I managed to swallow it.

For the sake of science, I have to taste it again.

Oh, god, the smell. It's like meat, but with something else. [I should write advertising copy for a living.]

The taste? Chemicals, horrible sweetness, and meat! Gak!