Ugh

It begins! Actually, it begins tomorrow. But tomorrow will be here in less than six hours and I'll be at work. So I doubt there will be much if any working on it since I'll be too busy and miserable. It'll have to wait until after work. I'll be fresh as a daisy when I wake up tomorrow afternoon. A freshly stomped daisy.

And speaking of work, it's gotten excruciating lately. The guy I worked with decided to just stop coming to work, so that means I have to do everything now. My job is mainly doing stuff on the computer in the office, but with no one to help me, I have to move nasty, dust-covered crap out in the warehouse too. The stuff also has to be reboxed, relabeled, etc. It's gotten really anal and bureaucratic all of a sudden. And I think I'm going to have to start wearing my steel-toed boots again since I spend most of the night in the warehouse and have a knack for running over parts of my feet with the pallet jack.

Sweet Mother of God, What Have I Done?

Last year, Sherri took part in NaNoWriMo and actually wrote a novel (which I read). She told me that I'd do it next year. (Apparently I had no choice in the matter.) Well, I planned on doing it, I really did, but work dragged me into the depths of misery and apathy, so I decided not to do it. I felt guilty about deciding not to do it, but since I was running out of time, I really didn't feel too bad. And then suddenly last night I decided to do it. So I signed up. Now I have to write a 50,000 word draft in a goddamn month. That month starts in a little over a week. I have no idea what the hell I'm going to write about. Plus, I'm illiterate!

I'm counting on all four of my regular readers to heap abuse on me (I mean more abuse than normal) if I fail.

Euphemisms

I love euphemisms, but even more than euphemisms, I love phrases that sound like euphemisms when taken out of context. Yesterday morning I was watching a cooking show and the host was cooking Halloween themed fair. One item was a large cheeseball thing made up to look like a goblin. As she prepared it, she said something like, "Now I need to frost my goblin." Naturally, I've thought of little else since.

Damn Norwegians!

Why is the above crummy photo I took a couple of years ago now on the website for some Norwegian radio station?

Oddly, I also found another photo of the same Black Sabbath promo 45 that's very similar to mine.

Exciting, no? No.

Palpable stupidity

Since I can barely function on even the most basic levels these days, I can't come up with a proper blog post. So that means I have to fall back on my old standby, stupid crap from my referrer logs:

undersized porn
Just how undersized? Would I need a magnifying glass?

grow a gigantic schlong
You mean like in a pot or an acquarium or something?

goth elder
My sister's an elderly goth. Does that help?

pressure on whoopie cushions
Such is the stressful life of the whoopie cushion.

what insides of male nipple
Magic!

"spanking machine"build plans
Uh-oh. No good can come from this.

how do bodyperks stay in place?
Duct tape and plenty of it. [Obligatory link to Bodyperks.]

can i brush my dogs teeth after being sprayed by a skunk in the face?
After the dog's been sprayed in the face by a skunk or after you've been sprayed? I can't think brushing a dog's teeth would be a big concern after it's been sprayed in the face by a skunk and if I got sprayed in the face by a skunk I'm not brushing any damn thing.

porno nazi comics -movie -gay -hentai -anime -film
If you find these, please let me know. Seriously.

largest nipple on record female
You just need this information for research, right? Sure. Heh. But seriously, if you find out, can you let me know? It's for research. Heh.

enema horror
The most infamous of the 1950's EC Comics titles.

Men and women making whoopie
Here's a possible reason why it's not a good idea to teach really old people how to use the internet.

wanking in front
Beats the heck out of wanking in back. Or something.

sister enema explain orgasm
I'd rather not hear that explanation if you don't mind.

making hair crunched without any wavy in hair
Please, no wavy in hair! Just crunched!

edible furniture
But if you eat it, where are you going to sit?

huge cocktube
I have nothing to say here except that cocktube is now my favorite word.

bald spot no luck dating
I'd say something witty, but I'm too busy mouring my bald, dateless head.

videos of bastard men ejaculating
You bastard! Look what you just did!

freedom of ass
There's nothing like the freedom of ass!

i ejaculated at a urinal
Probably not something you should say on a first date. Or ever.

Groan, mumble...

I haven't been posting because I haven't felt like writing (or doing anything else). So instead, enjoy this charming photo I stole off Metafilter of a little girl and her opossum.

Dirty money

This morning I got $200 in shiny new $20 bills out of the ATM. They smelled like feet.

Activated by a cellphone?

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but I've been busy contemplating the pointlessness of existence.

Anyhoo, ever wonder where they make sex toys? Well, wonder no more. My own personal favorite from the list is the MiEgg, some sort of cellphone activated vibrator: "A simple call or text to your partner's cellphone will fly her off into a world of orgasmic bliss!" But what if it's a wrong number? Is that like cheating?

Fresh?

Earlier this week I noticed the office smelled odd, then I saw that there was a urinal cake hanging under the table holding one of the laser printers. Yes, a urinal cake. Actually, it's not a urinal cake, but one of those disinfectant things that attaches to the edge of a toilet bowl and hangs down so that when you flush the stream runs across is to keep the toilet from looking (and smelling) like hell. Since the toilet cake thing is hanging under the laser printer used only by the nutty woman who always sprays air-freshener when she comes in, I'm guessing this was her idea. So now the office smells like a public toilet and for the first time in my life I have the urge to whizz in a laser printer.

Damnable book meme!

The accursed Sherri has tagged me to do this meme thingy. [Shakes fist at the heavens in outrage.]

1. One book that changed your life?
Ulysses permanently changed how I looked at fiction. I had no idea you were even allowed to write anything like this book. Suddenly all the stuff I'd been taught in school was blown up in front of me, and as a 16 year old, that was a pretty intense experience. But it's all been downhill since then, so you might say this book ruined my life. Thanks, James Joyce, you dead bastard!

2. One book you have read more than once?
I've read lots of books more than once. I used to read certain books almost annually, but I don't do that much anymore because these days I feel the need to spend my spare awake time on the internet looking at porn or random Wikipeidia entries. One book I still keep rereading is William S. Burroughs' Junky.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
It'd have to be something I could endlessly find meaning in. Maybe Shakespeare's Compleate Works (which I've never read), or perhaps the aforementioned Ulysses. But I doubt I'd read either volume. I'd probably use the pages to start a fire and then go completely apeshit. Actually, now that I think about it, forget Shakespeare and Joyce. If I were on a desert island I'd want a survival manual of some sort.

4. One book that made you laugh?
Hunter Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is probably the funniest book I've ever read. And it holds up to rereadings.

5. One book that made you cry?
It didn't quite make me cry, but the Benjy section of Faulkner's Sound and the Fury kind of got to me. But overall I didn't like that novel because it just didn't work.

6. One book you wish had been written?
Reader's Block by David Markson. More clever than me by miles.
[Note: Oops, I misread this question. I thought it said, "One book you wish you had written." I'll have to get back to you on this one because I'm only minutes from leaving for work at Scumco.]

7. One book you wish had never been written?
There's too many to list, but Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves particularly annoyed me. It also annoys me that it's so acclaimed in some circles. I'll stop now or else I'll start ranting about how much I hated this book.

8. One book you are currently reading?
One day I hope to finish Zane Grey's Man of the Forrest. I could've finished this well over a week ago, but I didn't. So there.

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
Way, way too many to list. And I just keep buying them. They're just for show apparently. Perhaps I'm trying to impress myself with my well-stocked shelves of highbrow literary fiction. Well I'm not impressed, self, so stop it!

10. Now tag five people:
I think the handfull of blogs I even bother to read anymore have all been tagged, with the exception of the ever frightful Severina. Although, I'd like to see Qov do it because she'd write it in Klingon which would be like the coolest thing ever. Well, kinda.

Ejaculations

Because I have no life at all, I went through the Zane Grey novel I mentioned below and found every mention of ejaculation. (And, yes, I used Word's Find function to do it. I'm certainly not doing it manually.)

"A-huh! ejaculated Anson, dubiously.

"Milt Dale, you'll come down here an' work out that fifty head of sheep!" ejaculated the old rancher, incredulously.

"Well!" ejaculated Helen, contritely, half sorry, half amused. "What a sudden young gentleman!"

"Make off with me?" ejaculated Helen, bewildered.

"Gee!" ejaculated Bo. "He looks like a devil. But I'd tackle him -- if you think I could."

"Broke in!" ejaculated Bo, with a little laugh. "I'm all broke UP now."

"Me! Where'd I ever see any girls?" ejaculated Dale. "I remember some when I was a boy, but I was only fourteen then. Never had much use for girls."

"Doggone the luck!" ejaculated Roy, red in the face, as he worked the lever of his rifle. "Never could shoot downhill, nohow!"

"A-huh!" ejaculated Bo. Then she rolled over, not without groans, and, once upon her face, she raised herself on her hands and turned to a sitting posture.

"Under the sea!" ejaculated Helen.

"Bo's followin' the hound!" ejaculated Dale. And, lifting his hands to his mouth, he sent out a stentorian yell that rolled up the slope, rang against the cliffs, pealed and broke and died away.

"Dale, it's thet damn cougar!" he ejaculated.

"Spring!" ejaculated Auchincloss. Then he shook his head sadly and a far-away look filmed his eyes. "Reckon you'd call some late."

"Dotty! Me? Dotty!" ejaculated Auchincloss. Then he swore. "In a minit I'll tell you what you are."

"Wal, I'll be doggoned!" ejaculated Roy, feelingly.

"Wal, the half-breed son-of-a-greaser!" ejaculated Carmichael, in utter confoundment. "He wanted you to marry him!"

"Lung trouble!" ejaculated John. "With thet chest, an' up in this air? . . . Get out!"

"An' let her shoot!" ejaculated Anson, nodding his long head. "Me, too!"

"Thet's the kid sister of the woman I wanted!" he ejaculated.

"Shot his lamp out!" ejaculated Moze.

"Busted!" ejaculated Anson, with a curse, as he slammed down his cards. "If I ain't hoodooed I'm a two-bit of a gambler!"

"She wasn't there!" ejaculated Anson, in wondering awe.

"One man!" he ejaculated.

That's twenty-three ejaculations, far more than the average porno movie (not counting bukkake videos). Not even a Henry Miller novel has this many erruptions.

It's kind of sad Zane Grey didn't have the use of Find and Replace. But even without a high tech tool you'd think he'd have noticed what a rut he was in with his language.

(And I still haven't finished this novel, by the way. I was going to try an knock the rest of it off this weekend, but I decided to spend my waking hours online and the rest of my time happily unconscious.)

Squid?

Yesterday I bought another bag of animal crackers. (Actually, I bought two.) Anyway, here's the latest anomally. What is it? A squid? The digestive tract of one of the other animals? And it's not a broken off piece either; it had smooth edges for the most part. Sadly, we may never know what it was. And I can't even take anymore pictures of it because I accidently crushed it right after this photo was taken by dropping something on it.

Um...

The two oxygen wasters I worked with quit in the past couple of weeks, so now I'm at work all by myself. To help combat the crushing tedium and misery of my shitty job I've been reading a Zane Grey novel of all things. I downloaded it from Project Gutenberg, so I can open it Notepad and have it in a small window at the bottom of the screen. It looks like I'm actually working instead of malingering. I do love to malinger.

Anyway, the point of this ramble is to mention an odd bit of dialog in this ancient novel:

"Me! Where'd I ever see any girls?" ejaculated Dale. "I remember some when I was a boy, but I was only fourteen then. Never had much use for girls."

OK, whatever floats your boat, Dale, but there's quite a bit of ejaculating in this novel. Also, men stand errect on occasion as well. If I encounter a passage where someone stands errect and then ejaculates I don't think I'll be able to contain myself. It's distracting, I tell you!

Male models beware

Hey, there's a photo of me on the internet! Well, kinda.

Cryptozoology

I bought a bag of animal crackers this morning. Most of the animals are readily identifiable: donkeys, horses, cats, lions, camels, etc. But then there's things like in the photo. Sheep? Rhino? Diseased cow?

Tasty

It's been quite hot at work, even at night, so I've been enjoying the ice-maker in the break room. A few nights ago I got a cup and filled it with ice and then put water in it from the fountain. (The water in the fountains is far better than the water in the coolers. For some reason the water coolers reek faintly of sewage.) I drank all the water and then began to eat the ice. After I was about halfway through, I noticed a dead bug in the bottom of the cup.

Why I'll never get to design anything

I'm still wracked with sloth these days, but I did manage to come up with an idea. My loathsome employer sells many types of piñatas, most of which are fairly dull things like movie/TV characters or bland things like racecars and cacti. Why can't we have an interesting piñata for once? So I thought up a piñata that's shaped like a toilet and it would have an electronic doo-dad inside that would make a loud flushing sound when it was hit hard enough to bust. I'll leave it up to the consumer as to what type of prizes would be in a toilet shaped piñata.

Sloth

Ugh, I'm wracked with sloth these days, so I don't feel like posting anything.

Things could be worse, though. At my job last friday, a guy on first shift got fired for stealing someone's lunch. Of all the things to get fired for. If you're going to get fired then go out with a bang and punch somebody in the nuts or steal a computer.

What happened to Cubby?

Last night while reading celebrity gossip on Usenet, I came across one of the more bizarre vintage rumors I've ever heard:

When I was a kid, there was a rumor that all the Mouseketeers but Annette had been killed in a bus crash, and that Annette was left paralyzed and would have to perform as a puppet (with strings holding her up).

Best costume ever

This ghost cup is one of my employers many tedious Halloween designs. Friday, while languishing at my desk, I looked over at this cup and noticed that the ghost actually looked more like a resevoir tip condom. The ghost's head also looks kind of like a breast.

I think that when you work third shift the world is your Rorschach inkblot test.