I used to keep a webmail account just for scam emails, but I got so much of that it overwhelmed me and I quit even logging in. Eventually, the account went dormant and I lost all the email in it. No big deal. I recently began checking the account once again and the scam email and other weird stuff is once more coming in at a regular pace.
My favorite subject line for an email ever is shown below:
Yes, it's just a quote from Futurama, but it's still funny. Sadly, the email was just the typical boner pill nonsense.
Even stranger are the emails that use random text to foil spam filters. Sometime this text comes from actual works of literature and other times it's just produced by a markov generator. The non-markov stuff interests me because I simply want to know where the hell it comes from. Mostly it seems to be public domain books from Project Gutenberg, but sometimes it's from someplace else. I often find myself pasting swathes of text into Google to find its origin. (What I'm trying to say here is that I have no life.)
An email I got today had a truly bizarre chunk of text in it about Hitler:
Hitler gasped for air. His left handheld a glass jar over the headYou ask, what the hell kind of crap is this? Well, it's a novel called The Jewess by someone named Jerome Parks. He has a website. It's quite something.
of his penis. Hisbody suddenly spasmed againstthe plush of the
soft leather couch. A primeval screampartially suppressed
through clenched teeth resounded through the room. The sound
was deadened by the rich tapestries that coveredthe walls of
the semi-dark office.
Still breathing heavily, theleader of the ThirdReich held the jar
up to a light and studied the sticky substance slowly sliding down
the insides of the container. He stood, screwedthe cap into
place and set the jar on his desknext to the untouched
photographs of nude women in various provocative poses. He
forced his still semi-erect penis into his pants andbuttoned
his fly.
He looked down to see if his clothes were in proper array.
Satisfied, he bent over and picked up the picture of his mother
that had fallen from his lap during the final moment ofecstasy.
He slid the pictureinto the insidebreast pocket of histunic
making sure it was deeply seated. He then presseda buzzer
and left the room.
Moments later, Colonel Ludwig Schmidt, wearing the uniform
of the elite SS guard, enteredand gathered the photographs.
He placed them in an envelopethat had been lying onthe desk.
The envelope was marked "TOP SECRET"in bold red letters
across its front and back. The Colonel then took the jar and
placed it in an insulated steel cased boxpacked with dry ice.
He closed the cover andsecured it with a heavy brasslock.
From his pocket he removed a smallcandle and cigarette lighter.
After lighting the candle he held it so that the hot wax dripped
into the keyhole and the surrounding area of the lock. He then
pressed the face of a signet ring he was wearingagainst the still
soft wax. He then left the room taking the envelope and the box
with him.
THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE, ONEYEAR LATER
The submarine's periscope cleaved thewarm waters of the
CaribbeanSea exposing no more than two feet ofcamouflaged
metal above the lapping waves. It slowly rotated, scanning the
horizon through the splash caused by the mildtropical winds.
The bright moonlight made the lonefreighter on the horizon
stand out in bold silhouette.
"Down periscope," the Captain said,smartly folding the handle
bars. He turned to the young blondmilitarily erect >man dressed
in ordinary seaman's clothes and said,"Come Colonel Schmidt,
let us go to my quarters and go overthe plans for transferring
the personnel to the freighter."
Sitting at thesteel planning desk in the cramped quarters the
Captain faced the Colonel and said, "It is no secretthe war is
going badly. The Allies are dominating the sealanes and I have
grave doubts about myability to get this sub and its crewback
to the Fatherland. It is one thing to die for the Fuhrer inbattle;
it is quite another to play nursemaid to a dozenpregnant women.
Can you not tell me as officer toofficer what this is all about?
I promise you the informationwill go no further than within this
room. It would make our fate more bearable if I knew the
sacrifice was ofconsequential importance." The Colonelstudied
the submarine's Captain across the desk beforeanswering.
"The twelve women are pregnant with theFuhrer's children."
The Captain sat dumbfounded. Finally he said,"Gottimhimmel!
How is it possible? All twelve? Why arethey on this U-boat?
What is this all about?" As he startedto speak, the Colonel's
voice rose from low key to a hysterical crescendo."As you
observed, Captain, the war is going badly. OurFuhrer is a
brilliant man. He sees far beyond the immediacy of today's
battles—won or lost.
He plans only for the ultimate domination of this globe by pure
Aryans. The twelve women represent thebest of German
womanhood, each the purest Aryan. Each selected forbreeding
qualities of health and intelligence. Eachfrom families that bore
predominantly male offspring.
“Through the use of eugenic selection and artificialinsemination
it is the Fuhrer's plan to father achild in his own image.
A child who would possess his genius and determination.
That child will be raisedin America and ultimately rise to a
position of power. InAmerica he will plant the seeds that will
mature into the Fourth Reich. He will become—The American Fuhrer.
I know I've just quoted a ridiculously long piece of prose, but at the risk of angering Mr. Parks, I'm going to quote his insane synopsis of his novel:
Rita Adler, (The Jewess) working as a typist, develops Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. She enters a Worker’s Compensation Program and is re-trained to be a systems computer analyst.This is only a 60,000 word novel? That's short. How in the hell can someone cram so much convoluted lunacy into 60,000 words. I'm actually debating whether or not to actually buy this book. Hell, there's even a Kindle version available on Amazon.
She obtains a job in an optometrist office as the computerized records manager. Located in Washington, DC, the optometrist has senators and Supreme Court judges as patients.
During the course of her employment, the optometry office installs a high-tech eyesight testing device. Rita studies the workings of the device and realizes it simply combines the technology used by most cameras to measure distance with a computer that analyzes the physical change of the eyeball shape when focusing at different distances.
Rita finds a computer program that lets you act as your own psychiatrist. She gets the idea of combining it with the eye measuring device so that the eye’s reaction to various scenes used by the device can be interpreted as a psychological reaction.
Werner Schmidt, the leader of the neo-Nazi movement in America, is one of the optometrist’s patients. Rita tests Werner’s eyesight using the new testing device. She adds in a series of scenes to determine his psychological profile. She does this to satisfy her curiosity about Werner whom she finds physically attractive.
Werner and Rita go on a date. They both have deep-rooted sexual aberrations. Rita had a trauma as a child that left her unable to have sex—she's still a virgin. Werner also had a childhood trauma that left him unable to have sex with other than a virgin. Rita knows about Werner's sexual aberration having seen it in his psychological profile. This knowledge enables Rita to totally captivate Werner to the point where he obsesses over her.
Colonel Ludwig Schmidt, is Werner Schmidt’s foster-father. He had been commissioned by Adolph Hitler, to raise the infant Werner, in the United States for the purpose of Werner becoming the American Fuhrer. The Colonel is shocked when he learns of Werner's infatuation with a Jewess. He probes the acts that Werner had in Rita’s presence and figures out that somehow Rita learned of Werner’s sexual hang-ups through the use of the eye tester device. When Werner realizes that Rita had exploited his sexual hang-ups, he becomes infuriated and vows vengeance.
Werner embarks on a vendetta against Rita. He trashes her apartment smearing racial hate slogans in red paint over her walls and furniture. Terrified, Rita goes underground. The Colonel locates her in a motel where she's hiding and subjects her to an erotic lesbian experience that frees her from her sexual hang-ups. He does this so that Rita will become sexually promiscuous and no longer attractive to Werner.
The Colonel and Werner need the password to Rita's computer so that they can get the psychological profile of the senators and judges who had their eyes examined by the eye tester device. They plan on using the information for political gain. Believing that Dr. Schulman, Rita's boss, has the password they need to access the eye tester files, they viciously torture leaving him blind.
When Rita learns of this she feels an emotion that she’s never experienced before—an urge for revenge. Using the information from Werner's psychological profile, she creates a plan that will make him experience the most horrible terror imaginable. The result is that Werner is reduced to a vegetable state.
The Colonel, now seeking revenge against Rita, for what she's done to Werner embarks on a cat and mouse game to locate her. Rita sets up a counter plan to entrap the Colonel. It succeeds and the Colonel's entire neo-Nazi network is destroyed.
Having eliminated the Nazis threat, Rita now faces the prosaic dilemma of earning a living.
Rita contacts the CEO of the corporation that manufactured the eye testing device and induces him to give her a contract to service the eye testing machines being used by optometrists throughout the country.
Rita reunites with an old friend, Muriel who worked with her when she was a typist. Between the two of them they set up a service organization that nets them enough money to live a luxurious life.
Rita uses the files from the devices she services to gather information about people's opinions. She starts a corporation whose purpose is to take polls. Because she has access to the computer-generated opinions she is able to do marketing predictions faster, cheaper and more accurately than any of the existing companies.
Rita meets with the CEO of the giant corporation that dominates the poll taking industry. They become sexually and romantically involved. Then they become competitors during the presidential elections.
The CEO of the corporation that manufactures the eye testers cancels the contract with Rita, essentially putting her at a business. She is forced into bankruptcy.
Rita and Muriel have to live in a one-room dump and take jobs as waitresses to make ends meet. Rita goes into a state of depression. Muriel comes up with the idea to sell to their former adversary in the poll taking business, the secret of how she was able to outperform them. Rita takes the proceeds from the sale and plays the stock market. By leaking information anonymously she's able to control the value of the stock she has purchased. Once again she is wealthy.
Rita induces the manufacturers of the eye testing machines to sell franchises. She buys the franchise for Europe. She and Muriel now live in an exotic condominium on the French Riviera. Now experiencing all the material things that life offers, they contemplate; what is the meaning of life? Why are we here? Together they come to a surprising conclusion.
This post is long enough, I guess. Bite my shiny metal ass.
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