Horrible

I've been tagged again by the scurrilous Sherri for yet another damnable meme. This one's entitled, 5 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me. Ugh. Where to begin? This blog's over four years old and was started way back in 2002, so what the hell haven't I told you people? What brand of underwear I like? Just how bald am I? Certain, er... personal measurements? My favorite Hollywood musical? Just how long did I spend in prison for killing that clown? No, I'll have to find something new. Or else just make up some crap. No one will know. Nope. They won't suspect at all. It's a blog after all and no one really reads these things. Just a vanity project. Something to fill the time. Yes. The time. But I digress.

1. I've never ridden a roller coaster. Yes, you read that right, I've never ridden a roller coaster. I suppose the main reason I've never ridden one is that I never go to amusement parks. I hate them. But then I hate most places that have loads of people milling around. I loathe great stinking masses of humanity. The closest I ever came to riding a roller coaster was when I was in my early teens, I think, when we went to Busch Gardens. They had a roller coaster called the Loch Ness Monster that I think has been replaced by an even wilder contraption. All I remember about it was that it looked like a snarl of green steel loops. My sister and I talked of nothing else but riding this thing, but our mother took one look at it and said, "Oh, no. You're not riding on that." I imagine she pictured the cars coming off the track at high speed and being flung into the next county. So we didn't get to ride it.

2. I don't drive long distances, nor do I like traveling long distances by myself. I have anxiety issues. Driving around unfamiliar parts of my own small city unnerves me. I don't really have anything funny to say here. It sucks, actually. Sherri invited me to come to Florida, but it's unlikely I could do it alone. Cindy invited me to come to Durham a few times in the past, but I never did because there was no easy way for me to get there. My sister lives 150 miles away. She didn't invite me to come up there, but I did manage to do that once via bus. But she had to come and get me at the bus station to make sure I didn't get lost. Naturally, she was less than thrilled. It's probably for the best though. None of you need me sleeping on your couches and eating all of your food. And I will eat all of your food. Yes, all of it. Even that stuff in the back of the fridge you're scared to touch. I'll also annoy your pets.

3. I don't know how to swim. When I was little I got knocked down by a wave at the beach. I think it was the first time I set foot on the beach after we got there. From then on the water terrified me. I remember howling as my mother dragged me down to the water in a vain attempt to show me that it wasn't that scary. Anyway, I eventually learned to play in the water, but never learned how to swim. Of course no one ever bothered to show me how to swim. Bastards.

4. I joined the Marine Corps in high school, but never served. I couldn't do pull ups so they kicked me out before I got sent to boot camp. I didn't care really. I'm not even sure why I joined anyway because I didn't want to be a Marine. Had I served I probably would've been in the invasion of Panama and the Gulf War. Yippee. Instead I got to watch it on TV in my pajamas which is the only way to experience war in my opinion.

5. I don't like to see bands play live. It's too loud. Way, way too loud. There's bands I'd like to see play, but I don't think I could stand it. I'd have to wear earplugs. And if there were tons of people packed in there I'd probably freak out and leave. Too many people in one place makes my skin crawl.

OK, that's it. Five things you didn't know about me and probably didn't want to learn. I've found this entire experience to be thoroughly horrible. I hope you're happy.