What?

I'm getting some added responsibilities at work that include having to do a detailed report on a regular basis. (No raise, though. Bastards.) The guy who's going to train me to do the report told me that I would be good at it because I was "very tedious". I'm thinking he meant something like meticulous, but you never know. Maybe I am tedious.

Old

A few days ago while watching a bit of the network news to make sure the world hadn't come to an end while I was frittering away my life with my head in a series of books, I saw a commercial with a familiar song being used as background music. It was a Buzzcocks tune, "Everybody's Happy Nowadays", a classic blast of catchy buzz saw British punk circa 1978.

What was it a commercial for? The goddamn AARP, you know that organization for old people. Of course the original members of the Buzzcocks (sadly reunited to cash in on the current cheap punk nostalgia of people who didn't even exist in 1978) are pretty damn old these days.

The internet? Meh

I haven't been blogging or reading blogs over the past week. In fact I haven't spent much time at all online. I've been reading lots of books since Christmas and these days I'd much rather read on the couch than sit in front of my computer with a string of drool coming out of my mouth while I flip through endless websites. I can drool just fine on the couch with a book.

Oh, the agony

The unspeakable Jammies has tagged for a meme. Something about grabbing a book that's close to your computer, noting the title, going to page 123, reading the first five sentences on that page, and then copying out the next three sentences. Or something along those lines. No idea why anyone would want to do this, but such is life.

The closest books to my computer are a dictionary and a big-ass Mouser catalog. So instead I just reached over my right shoulder and grabbed a volume from the shelves right behind me.

The volume? Sane Sex Life & Sane Sex Living by H.W. Long, M.D. (I even found a reprint online.) The subtitle of the book is "Some Things that All Sane People Ought to Know About Sex Nature and Sex Functioning; Its Place in the Economy of Life, Its Proper Training and Righteous Exercise". The book was published by the Eugenics Publishing Co,. Inc. in 1937. Yes, eugenics.

If you're wondering why I have this book, I buy old, weird sex education books when I find them. They're quite amusing. And educational. Which probably goes a long way to explaining why I'm single. But I digress.

Oh, the sentences. They're not that interesting, but here goes:

But it paid to wait, for their doing so proved that the bride had two weeks of "free time" in each month, and this was worth all it cost to find out! Take time!

And now let it be added that it is a great accomplishment for a husband and wife to be free from a fear of pregnancy as a result of coitus.

These sentences refer (I suppose) to what's usually called the "rhythm method" or what I like to call the "How did I end up with all of these goddamn kids method".

Now the bad part. I'm supposed to tag three people. OK, first I'll tag Sara because not only will she not do it, she probably won't even know she's been tagged. Then I'll tag my sister just for the pleasure of pissing her off. Heh-heh. And, lastly, I'll tag Sherri even though she's probably already been tagged. So there.

Phoning it in

Sherri posted this new meme thingy that looks intriguiging. Actually, it just looks like an easy to way to do a post without breaking a sweat.

What you do:

1. Go to Wikipedia.
2. In the Search box, type your birth month and day (but not year).
3. List three events that happened on your birthday.
4. List two important birthdays and one interesting death.
5. List any holidays
6. Post it.

Simple! Whatever. [Grumble.]

My birthday's March 24th.

1. OK, three events. Hmmm... In 1832 a group of men tarred and feathered Mormon leader Joseph Smith Jr. In 1973 Pink Floyd released Dark Side of the Moon. And in 1989 the Exxon Valdez, with a sleeping drunk at the helm, ran aground and dumped an ass-load of oil on the Alaskan coast.

2. Two important birthdays. I have several interesting people sharring my birthday and I recall writing a post about it once or twice over the past few years. Here's two: Harry Houdini and Wilhelm Reich.

3. One important death. Only one? But there's so many. OK. Jules Verne.

4. Any holidays? How about World Tuberculosis Day? Party down!

Free and weird

Some Russian has gone and scanned what looks to be the entire text of Codex Seraphinianus. This can't be legal, so enjoy it while it lasts. One day I hope to be able to afford a copy of this book.

Puppies + discomfort = cute?

A couple of weeks ago the above photo was printed on the front page of the newspaper (or rather the closest thing to a newspaper we have in this area). When I first glanced at it, for one bizarre second, I though the three puppies hanging on the clothesline were posed in mock crucifixion. Imagine some lunatic thinking puppies posed like they're being crucified is cute. ("Oh, look, Arthur! They think they're Jesus and the two thieves. How precious!") But instead of crucified puppies, it was just puppies hung on a clothesline. And you know animals just love to be hung up like that.

Horrible

I've been tagged again by the scurrilous Sherri for yet another damnable meme. This one's entitled, 5 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me. Ugh. Where to begin? This blog's over four years old and was started way back in 2002, so what the hell haven't I told you people? What brand of underwear I like? Just how bald am I? Certain, er... personal measurements? My favorite Hollywood musical? Just how long did I spend in prison for killing that clown? No, I'll have to find something new. Or else just make up some crap. No one will know. Nope. They won't suspect at all. It's a blog after all and no one really reads these things. Just a vanity project. Something to fill the time. Yes. The time. But I digress.

1. I've never ridden a roller coaster. Yes, you read that right, I've never ridden a roller coaster. I suppose the main reason I've never ridden one is that I never go to amusement parks. I hate them. But then I hate most places that have loads of people milling around. I loathe great stinking masses of humanity. The closest I ever came to riding a roller coaster was when I was in my early teens, I think, when we went to Busch Gardens. They had a roller coaster called the Loch Ness Monster that I think has been replaced by an even wilder contraption. All I remember about it was that it looked like a snarl of green steel loops. My sister and I talked of nothing else but riding this thing, but our mother took one look at it and said, "Oh, no. You're not riding on that." I imagine she pictured the cars coming off the track at high speed and being flung into the next county. So we didn't get to ride it.

2. I don't drive long distances, nor do I like traveling long distances by myself. I have anxiety issues. Driving around unfamiliar parts of my own small city unnerves me. I don't really have anything funny to say here. It sucks, actually. Sherri invited me to come to Florida, but it's unlikely I could do it alone. Cindy invited me to come to Durham a few times in the past, but I never did because there was no easy way for me to get there. My sister lives 150 miles away. She didn't invite me to come up there, but I did manage to do that once via bus. But she had to come and get me at the bus station to make sure I didn't get lost. Naturally, she was less than thrilled. It's probably for the best though. None of you need me sleeping on your couches and eating all of your food. And I will eat all of your food. Yes, all of it. Even that stuff in the back of the fridge you're scared to touch. I'll also annoy your pets.

3. I don't know how to swim. When I was little I got knocked down by a wave at the beach. I think it was the first time I set foot on the beach after we got there. From then on the water terrified me. I remember howling as my mother dragged me down to the water in a vain attempt to show me that it wasn't that scary. Anyway, I eventually learned to play in the water, but never learned how to swim. Of course no one ever bothered to show me how to swim. Bastards.

4. I joined the Marine Corps in high school, but never served. I couldn't do pull ups so they kicked me out before I got sent to boot camp. I didn't care really. I'm not even sure why I joined anyway because I didn't want to be a Marine. Had I served I probably would've been in the invasion of Panama and the Gulf War. Yippee. Instead I got to watch it on TV in my pajamas which is the only way to experience war in my opinion.

5. I don't like to see bands play live. It's too loud. Way, way too loud. There's bands I'd like to see play, but I don't think I could stand it. I'd have to wear earplugs. And if there were tons of people packed in there I'd probably freak out and leave. Too many people in one place makes my skin crawl.

OK, that's it. Five things you didn't know about me and probably didn't want to learn. I've found this entire experience to be thoroughly horrible. I hope you're happy.

Seriously messed up

Ever want to see a Tickle Me Elmo on fire? No? Not even a little bit? Oh, just look at it!

How do they know?!

A few days ago I got an envelope in the mail from Skulptur Form, you know, the rug company. What I want to know is how they knew I was losing my hair? Are they spying on me?

Also, I went to the website a few minutes ago and saw they're selling something called Cyberhair. Cyberhair? Would that be a virtual reality kind of deal where when I put on the video-helmet thing it would look like I had hair when I looked into a virtual mirror? Or would Cyberhair be like when a guy (not me, honest!) is trying to impress a girl online and he tells her he has full, flowing, gorgeous head of hair?

First Saddam and now this

Yesterday morning I dreamed that British topless model Keeley Hazell was going to be executed. Apparently her crime was posing topless. Naturally, I was quite upset at this travesty of justice and still felt a bit unsettled long after I woke up.

Living in the past

Twice this morning I woke up and thought, "Well, it's 1997." Twice. I don't know why I'd want to relive 1997 because that was kind of a crappy year for me.

Moron of morons

I just went and accidentally posted two stupid posts over at Lists of Books that were supposed to go over here. [Smacks head with hand. Smacks head again with hammer.]