Saturday, August 26, 2006

Activated by a cellphone?

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but I've been busy contemplating the pointlessness of existence.

Anyhoo, ever wonder where they make sex toys? Well, wonder no more. My own personal favorite from the list is the MiEgg, some sort of cellphone activated vibrator: "A simple call or text to your partner's cellphone will fly her off into a world of orgasmic bliss!" But what if it's a wrong number? Is that like cheating?

Thursday, August 17, 2006


Earlier this week I noticed the office smelled odd, then I saw that there was a urinal cake hanging under the table holding one of the laser printers. Yes, a urinal cake. Actually, it's not a urinal cake, but one of those disinfectant things that attaches to the edge of a toilet bowl and hangs down so that when you flush the stream runs across is to keep the toilet from looking (and smelling) like hell. Since the toilet cake thing is hanging under the laser printer used only by the nutty woman who always sprays air-freshener when she comes in, I'm guessing this was her idea. So now the office smells like a public toilet and for the first time in my life I have the urge to whizz in a laser printer.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Damnable book meme!

The accursed Sherri has tagged me to do this meme thingy. [Shakes fist at the heavens in outrage.]

1. One book that changed your life?
Ulysses permanently changed how I looked at fiction. I had no idea you were even allowed to write anything like this book. Suddenly all the stuff I'd been taught in school was blown up in front of me, and as a 16 year old, that was a pretty intense experience. But it's all been downhill since then, so you might say this book ruined my life. Thanks, James Joyce, you dead bastard!

2. One book you have read more than once?
I've read lots of books more than once. I used to read certain books almost annually, but I don't do that much anymore because these days I feel the need to spend my spare awake time on the internet looking at porn or random Wikipeidia entries. One book I still keep rereading is William S. Burroughs' Junky.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
It'd have to be something I could endlessly find meaning in. Maybe Shakespeare's Compleate Works (which I've never read), or perhaps the aforementioned Ulysses. But I doubt I'd read either volume. I'd probably use the pages to start a fire and then go completely apeshit. Actually, now that I think about it, forget Shakespeare and Joyce. If I were on a desert island I'd want a survival manual of some sort.

4. One book that made you laugh?
Hunter Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is probably the funniest book I've ever read. And it holds up to rereadings.

5. One book that made you cry?
It didn't quite make me cry, but the Benjy section of Faulkner's Sound and the Fury kind of got to me. But overall I didn't like that novel because it just didn't work.

6. One book you wish had been written?
Reader's Block by David Markson. More clever than me by miles.
[Note: Oops, I misread this question. I thought it said, "One book you wish you had written." I'll have to get back to you on this one because I'm only minutes from leaving for work at Scumco.]

7. One book you wish had never been written?
There's too many to list, but Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves particularly annoyed me. It also annoys me that it's so acclaimed in some circles. I'll stop now or else I'll start ranting about how much I hated this book.

8. One book you are currently reading?
One day I hope to finish Zane Grey's Man of the Forrest. I could've finished this well over a week ago, but I didn't. So there.

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
Way, way too many to list. And I just keep buying them. They're just for show apparently. Perhaps I'm trying to impress myself with my well-stocked shelves of highbrow literary fiction. Well I'm not impressed, self, so stop it!

10. Now tag five people:
I think the handfull of blogs I even bother to read anymore have all been tagged, with the exception of the ever frightful Severina. Although, I'd like to see Qov do it because she'd write it in Klingon which would be like the coolest thing ever. Well, kinda.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


Because I have no life at all, I went through the Zane Grey novel I mentioned below and found every mention of ejaculation. (And, yes, I used Word's Find function to do it. I'm certainly not doing it manually.)
"A-huh! ejaculated Anson, dubiously.

"Milt Dale, you'll come down here an' work out that fifty head of sheep!" ejaculated the old rancher, incredulously.

"Well!" ejaculated Helen, contritely, half sorry, half amused. "What a sudden young gentleman!"

"Make off with me?" ejaculated Helen, bewildered.

"Gee!" ejaculated Bo. "He looks like a devil. But I'd tackle him -- if you think I could."

"Broke in!" ejaculated Bo, with a little laugh. "I'm all broke UP now."

"Me! Where'd I ever see any girls?" ejaculated Dale. "I remember some when I was a boy, but I was only fourteen then. Never had much use for girls."

"Doggone the luck!" ejaculated Roy, red in the face, as he worked the lever of his rifle. "Never could shoot downhill, nohow!"

"A-huh!" ejaculated Bo. Then she rolled over, not without groans, and, once upon her face, she raised herself on her hands and turned to a sitting posture.

"Under the sea!" ejaculated Helen.

"Bo's followin' the hound!" ejaculated Dale. And, lifting his hands to his mouth, he sent out a stentorian yell that rolled up the slope, rang against the cliffs, pealed and broke and died away.

"Dale, it's thet damn cougar!" he ejaculated.

"Spring!" ejaculated Auchincloss. Then he shook his head sadly and a far-away look filmed his eyes. "Reckon you'd call some late."

"Dotty! Me? Dotty!" ejaculated Auchincloss. Then he swore. "In a minit I'll tell you what you are."

"Wal, I'll be doggoned!" ejaculated Roy, feelingly.

"Wal, the half-breed son-of-a-greaser!" ejaculated Carmichael, in utter confoundment. "He wanted you to marry him!"

"Lung trouble!" ejaculated John. "With thet chest, an' up in this air? . . . Get out!"

"An' let her shoot!" ejaculated Anson, nodding his long head. "Me, too!"

"Thet's the kid sister of the woman I wanted!" he ejaculated.

"Shot his lamp out!" ejaculated Moze.

"Busted!" ejaculated Anson, with a curse, as he slammed down his cards. "If I ain't hoodooed I'm a two-bit of a gambler!"

"She wasn't there!" ejaculated Anson, in wondering awe.

"One man!" he ejaculated.
That's twenty-three ejaculations, far more than the average porno movie (not counting bukkake videos). Not even a Henry Miller novel has this many erruptions.

It's kind of sad Zane Grey didn't have the use of Find and Replace. But even without a high tech tool you'd think he'd have noticed what a rut he was in with his language.

(And I still haven't finished this novel, by the way. I was going to try an knock the rest of it off this weekend, but I decided to spend my waking hours online and the rest of my time happily unconscious.)


Yesterday I bought another bag of animal crackers. (Actually, I bought two.) Anyway, here's the latest anomally. What is it? A squid? The digestive tract of one of the other animals? And it's not a broken off piece either; it had smooth edges for the most part. Sadly, we may never know what it was. And I can't even take anymore pictures of it because I accidently crushed it right after this photo was taken by dropping something on it.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


The two oxygen wasters I worked with quit in the past couple of weeks, so now I'm at work all by myself. To help combat the crushing tedium and misery of my shitty job I've been reading a Zane Grey novel of all things. I downloaded it from Project Gutenberg, so I can open it Notepad and have it in a small window at the bottom of the screen. It looks like I'm actually working instead of malingering. I do love to malinger.

Anyway, the point of this ramble is to mention an odd bit of dialog in this ancient novel:
"Me! Where'd I ever see any girls?" ejaculated Dale. "I remember some when I was a boy, but I was only fourteen then. Never had much use for girls."
OK, whatever floats your boat, Dale, but there's quite a bit of ejaculating in this novel. Also, men stand errect on occasion as well. If I encounter a passage where someone stands errect and then ejaculates I don't think I'll be able to contain myself. It's distracting, I tell you!