Wherein An Old Man Complains About Things He Doesn't Understand

There's this rather mild-mannered woman at work. She's middle-aged, quiet, hard-working, and in no way does she draw attention to herself. The only visible evidence that she might have a few quirks is the fact that she smokes. Her car is even dull and ordinary, or rather it was until she suddenly started driving a pickup truck. This truck can't possibly be hers, it must be her husband's, or maybe her son's, but not hers. Why? Because hanging underneath it in that dead zone between the rear axle and the bumper is a set of BumperNuts.

When I first saw these twin abominations pendulously hanging under the truck I wondered what ham-fisted douchebag could possibly be driving this ridiculous contraption? Was it one of my co-workers? Was it a temp? Clearly this was a vehicle driven by either someone very young or someone having one hell of a midlife crisis. But who? And then one morning I saw the mild-mannered woman drive by me in the truck sporting a nutsack.

Yes, a nutsack. Why? And why did the company that makes these things go in to so much realistic detail? It's got folds and wrinkles, for crying out loud. I'm surprised they didn't go the extra mile and put scraggly hair on it. If you go and look at the selection at the website I linked to above, you'll see it comes in a variety of colors: blue, black, red, chrome, and even "flesh", which is a gross beige putty sort of color and it's what the mild-mannered woman brandishes on her vehicle. If she'd simply had chrome ones it wouldn't be so bad, but that beige color is for some mysterious reason about ten times more repulsive than all of the other colors combined.

I'm really at a loss to explain the appeal of things like BumperNuts. What does it mean to put testicles on your vehicle? Does it say, "My vehicle has balls!" Or, "I have balls!" Or maybe, "Look, I just cut someone's balls off and now I'm hanging them on my truck like a trophy!"

A couple of days ago I saw a car with a pair of chrome ones that were attached in such a way that they would swing back and forth. I gave them a few extra points for that, but I deducted even more points for having those huge wheels and stupid big chrome rims. Damn kids, get off my lawn with your big rims and chrome nutsacks!

Since I don't understand the appeal of the nuts, I'm going to suggest some alternatives. Why not a penis? It could be mounted like a hood ornament. And since we live in very high tech times, why not make it so that it can go from small and wiggly to large and stiff at the press of a button? That would beat the hell out of some lousy aluminum nutsack any day. Or why not a vagina? On first glance it would simply look like a logo on your car, but on closer inspection--EEK! Since I'm all for movement, why not some large jiggling breasts to mount on your rear bumper? Or just put nipples on various spots on your car or truck. I know my old Buick would spiffed up more than a little with a sporty row of erect nipples.

Yes, one day our cars will have penises.

Of Great Importance!

Quickly, everyone go here to await further orders from the Chosen One. And make sure your speakers are on.