Activated by a cellphone?

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but I've been busy contemplating the pointlessness of existence.

Anyhoo, ever wonder where they make sex toys? Well, wonder no more. My own personal favorite from the list is the MiEgg, some sort of cellphone activated vibrator: "A simple call or text to your partner's cellphone will fly her off into a world of orgasmic bliss!" But what if it's a wrong number? Is that like cheating?

Fresh?

Earlier this week I noticed the office smelled odd, then I saw that there was a urinal cake hanging under the table holding one of the laser printers. Yes, a urinal cake. Actually, it's not a urinal cake, but one of those disinfectant things that attaches to the edge of a toilet bowl and hangs down so that when you flush the stream runs across is to keep the toilet from looking (and smelling) like hell. Since the toilet cake thing is hanging under the laser printer used only by the nutty woman who always sprays air-freshener when she comes in, I'm guessing this was her idea. So now the office smells like a public toilet and for the first time in my life I have the urge to whizz in a laser printer.

Damnable book meme!

The accursed Sherri has tagged me to do this meme thingy. [Shakes fist at the heavens in outrage.]

1. One book that changed your life?
Ulysses permanently changed how I looked at fiction. I had no idea you were even allowed to write anything like this book. Suddenly all the stuff I'd been taught in school was blown up in front of me, and as a 16 year old, that was a pretty intense experience. But it's all been downhill since then, so you might say this book ruined my life. Thanks, James Joyce, you dead bastard!

2. One book you have read more than once?
I've read lots of books more than once. I used to read certain books almost annually, but I don't do that much anymore because these days I feel the need to spend my spare awake time on the internet looking at porn or random Wikipeidia entries. One book I still keep rereading is William S. Burroughs' Junky.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
It'd have to be something I could endlessly find meaning in. Maybe Shakespeare's Compleate Works (which I've never read), or perhaps the aforementioned Ulysses. But I doubt I'd read either volume. I'd probably use the pages to start a fire and then go completely apeshit. Actually, now that I think about it, forget Shakespeare and Joyce. If I were on a desert island I'd want a survival manual of some sort.

4. One book that made you laugh?
Hunter Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is probably the funniest book I've ever read. And it holds up to rereadings.

5. One book that made you cry?
It didn't quite make me cry, but the Benjy section of Faulkner's Sound and the Fury kind of got to me. But overall I didn't like that novel because it just didn't work.

6. One book you wish had been written?
Reader's Block by David Markson. More clever than me by miles.
[Note: Oops, I misread this question. I thought it said, "One book you wish you had written." I'll have to get back to you on this one because I'm only minutes from leaving for work at Scumco.]

7. One book you wish had never been written?
There's too many to list, but Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves particularly annoyed me. It also annoys me that it's so acclaimed in some circles. I'll stop now or else I'll start ranting about how much I hated this book.

8. One book you are currently reading?
One day I hope to finish Zane Grey's Man of the Forrest. I could've finished this well over a week ago, but I didn't. So there.

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
Way, way too many to list. And I just keep buying them. They're just for show apparently. Perhaps I'm trying to impress myself with my well-stocked shelves of highbrow literary fiction. Well I'm not impressed, self, so stop it!

10. Now tag five people:
I think the handfull of blogs I even bother to read anymore have all been tagged, with the exception of the ever frightful Severina. Although, I'd like to see Qov do it because she'd write it in Klingon which would be like the coolest thing ever. Well, kinda.

Ejaculations

Because I have no life at all, I went through the Zane Grey novel I mentioned below and found every mention of ejaculation. (And, yes, I used Word's Find function to do it. I'm certainly not doing it manually.)

"A-huh! ejaculated Anson, dubiously.

"Milt Dale, you'll come down here an' work out that fifty head of sheep!" ejaculated the old rancher, incredulously.

"Well!" ejaculated Helen, contritely, half sorry, half amused. "What a sudden young gentleman!"

"Make off with me?" ejaculated Helen, bewildered.

"Gee!" ejaculated Bo. "He looks like a devil. But I'd tackle him -- if you think I could."

"Broke in!" ejaculated Bo, with a little laugh. "I'm all broke UP now."

"Me! Where'd I ever see any girls?" ejaculated Dale. "I remember some when I was a boy, but I was only fourteen then. Never had much use for girls."

"Doggone the luck!" ejaculated Roy, red in the face, as he worked the lever of his rifle. "Never could shoot downhill, nohow!"

"A-huh!" ejaculated Bo. Then she rolled over, not without groans, and, once upon her face, she raised herself on her hands and turned to a sitting posture.

"Under the sea!" ejaculated Helen.

"Bo's followin' the hound!" ejaculated Dale. And, lifting his hands to his mouth, he sent out a stentorian yell that rolled up the slope, rang against the cliffs, pealed and broke and died away.

"Dale, it's thet damn cougar!" he ejaculated.

"Spring!" ejaculated Auchincloss. Then he shook his head sadly and a far-away look filmed his eyes. "Reckon you'd call some late."

"Dotty! Me? Dotty!" ejaculated Auchincloss. Then he swore. "In a minit I'll tell you what you are."

"Wal, I'll be doggoned!" ejaculated Roy, feelingly.

"Wal, the half-breed son-of-a-greaser!" ejaculated Carmichael, in utter confoundment. "He wanted you to marry him!"

"Lung trouble!" ejaculated John. "With thet chest, an' up in this air? . . . Get out!"

"An' let her shoot!" ejaculated Anson, nodding his long head. "Me, too!"

"Thet's the kid sister of the woman I wanted!" he ejaculated.

"Shot his lamp out!" ejaculated Moze.

"Busted!" ejaculated Anson, with a curse, as he slammed down his cards. "If I ain't hoodooed I'm a two-bit of a gambler!"

"She wasn't there!" ejaculated Anson, in wondering awe.

"One man!" he ejaculated.

That's twenty-three ejaculations, far more than the average porno movie (not counting bukkake videos). Not even a Henry Miller novel has this many erruptions.

It's kind of sad Zane Grey didn't have the use of Find and Replace. But even without a high tech tool you'd think he'd have noticed what a rut he was in with his language.

(And I still haven't finished this novel, by the way. I was going to try an knock the rest of it off this weekend, but I decided to spend my waking hours online and the rest of my time happily unconscious.)

Squid?

Yesterday I bought another bag of animal crackers. (Actually, I bought two.) Anyway, here's the latest anomally. What is it? A squid? The digestive tract of one of the other animals? And it's not a broken off piece either; it had smooth edges for the most part. Sadly, we may never know what it was. And I can't even take anymore pictures of it because I accidently crushed it right after this photo was taken by dropping something on it.

Um...

The two oxygen wasters I worked with quit in the past couple of weeks, so now I'm at work all by myself. To help combat the crushing tedium and misery of my shitty job I've been reading a Zane Grey novel of all things. I downloaded it from Project Gutenberg, so I can open it Notepad and have it in a small window at the bottom of the screen. It looks like I'm actually working instead of malingering. I do love to malinger.

Anyway, the point of this ramble is to mention an odd bit of dialog in this ancient novel:

"Me! Where'd I ever see any girls?" ejaculated Dale. "I remember some when I was a boy, but I was only fourteen then. Never had much use for girls."

OK, whatever floats your boat, Dale, but there's quite a bit of ejaculating in this novel. Also, men stand errect on occasion as well. If I encounter a passage where someone stands errect and then ejaculates I don't think I'll be able to contain myself. It's distracting, I tell you!

Male models beware

Hey, there's a photo of me on the internet! Well, kinda.

Cryptozoology

I bought a bag of animal crackers this morning. Most of the animals are readily identifiable: donkeys, horses, cats, lions, camels, etc. But then there's things like in the photo. Sheep? Rhino? Diseased cow?

Tasty

It's been quite hot at work, even at night, so I've been enjoying the ice-maker in the break room. A few nights ago I got a cup and filled it with ice and then put water in it from the fountain. (The water in the fountains is far better than the water in the coolers. For some reason the water coolers reek faintly of sewage.) I drank all the water and then began to eat the ice. After I was about halfway through, I noticed a dead bug in the bottom of the cup.

Why I'll never get to design anything

I'm still wracked with sloth these days, but I did manage to come up with an idea. My loathsome employer sells many types of piñatas, most of which are fairly dull things like movie/TV characters or bland things like racecars and cacti. Why can't we have an interesting piñata for once? So I thought up a piñata that's shaped like a toilet and it would have an electronic doo-dad inside that would make a loud flushing sound when it was hit hard enough to bust. I'll leave it up to the consumer as to what type of prizes would be in a toilet shaped piñata.

Sloth

Ugh, I'm wracked with sloth these days, so I don't feel like posting anything.

Things could be worse, though. At my job last friday, a guy on first shift got fired for stealing someone's lunch. Of all the things to get fired for. If you're going to get fired then go out with a bang and punch somebody in the nuts or steal a computer.

What happened to Cubby?

Last night while reading celebrity gossip on Usenet, I came across one of the more bizarre vintage rumors I've ever heard:

When I was a kid, there was a rumor that all the Mouseketeers but Annette had been killed in a bus crash, and that Annette was left paralyzed and would have to perform as a puppet (with strings holding her up).

Best costume ever

This ghost cup is one of my employers many tedious Halloween designs. Friday, while languishing at my desk, I looked over at this cup and noticed that the ghost actually looked more like a resevoir tip condom. The ghost's head also looks kind of like a breast.

I think that when you work third shift the world is your Rorschach inkblot test.

Sporks!

I'd always thought the name spork was a slang term, but apparently they really are called that. In the breakroom at work there's a box of them and on the side of the carton is "sporks".

This all seemed far more fascinating in my head; I guess it should've stayed there.

Yuck it up, funny boy

I have nothing to post, so here's some of the latest idiotic things people have searched to end up here:

vagina's falling out
Well, that's no good. But do you really think Google's a better option than a doctor?

Cremation Fetish
Quite possibly the ultimate perversion. Or maybe just the strangest.

giantess fart
I don't make these things up. Really, I don't.

monster furzkissen
Furzkissen is German for whoopie-cushion, so the searcher is looking for a monster whoopie-cushion, which I guess would be either a really big whoopie-cushion or simply a whoopie-cushion intended for monsters. I wish I could be of some help to this seacher, but sadly I can't.

How do i find the free website for men that like big beautiful black women?
Ordinarily I'd suggest using a search engine, but it seems you've already tried that with remarkably little success.

why men wear bras blogs
I hope there's no blogs dedicated to men wearing bras. Anyway, I don't know of any, but there's one that features cats that look like Hitler.

what does ronald defeo do all day in the insane facility
I'm sure I have no idea. [Obligatory link explaining who Ronald Defeo, Jr. is.]

make penis last longer homebrew
If I had such information wouldn't I be selling it and making my fortune instead working the stupid low-paying job I have? I'd never give away free information on making penis last longer. No, if you're going to make penis last longer you're going to have actually spend money, not just make something out of ordinary household ingredients or items.

free books about cunnilingus techniques
So not only is the searcher bad at performing cunnilingus, he/she is cheap as well.

Kevin nu bite porno gay
I'm torn between confusion and curiosity.

wikipedia "hoop skirt" toilet OR outhouse
Here's a radical idea that might actually work: why not try searching at Wikipedia?

vagina's+porn
Porn owned by vaginas? Now that's kinky.

+bird +shit +hit +head
Having a bad day?

carrying unconscious women monsters
So is this monsters carrying unconscious women or someone carrying an unconscious adult female monster? The second option is the far more interesting one.

largest protruding nipple enhancers
"But I was just doing research! Honest!" Sure you were, perv. Sure.

Excerpt from Daddy Takes Us Psychic Battling

"Oh, how powerfully enhanced your psychic powers are!" cried little Mabel Blake, one day, as her brother Hal came running out of the school yard, where he had been having a telekenetic battle with some other boys. Mabel was waiting for him to walk home with her as he had promised.

"Yours are powerfully enhanced, too, Mab!" Harry said. "It's as powerfully enhanced--as powerfully enhanced as some of the brains we boiled with our minds at our seashore cottage this summer."

"Are my psychic powers powerfully enhanced?" asked Mab of some of her girl friends.

"They surely are!" replied Jennie Bruce. "All our psychic powers are powerfully enhanced!" she went on. "It's the planetary alignment that makes 'em so. It's very cold today, and soon it will be the time of the assassins, with lots of blood and violence! Oh! I just love the time of the assassins!"

[Note: This is another of my find and replace travesties.]

Yes, please take my money

Wost spam subject line ever: "Do you want to see the fountain of sperm? Try our new Soft Cialis Tabs."

No, no, no, a thousand times no, I don't want to see the fountain of sperm!

Sadly, there's no scenes with Potsie

I know this probably isn't an original idea, but it's a shame no one has ever staged Samuel Beckett's play, Happy Days, with Marion Ross and Tom Bosley.

Enter the fotdella

Many, many, many years ago I bought a record (yes, one of those big black flat round plastic things yer grandma used to listen to music on before she got an iPod like a civilized human being) by Tav Falco. On the back cover of this rockabilly oddity, the legendary Jim Dickinson was credited with playing something called a "fotdella". What's a fotdella, you ask? For more years than I care to mention, I wondered the same thing. Often I imagined it was a sort of flatulent rhythm instrument, possibly played with a bellows. Anyway, this morning I finally looked it up on Google and, much to my surprise, actually found an answer.

The fotdella is a stringed bass that you play with one of your feet using a crude keyboard. Oddball bluesman Jesse "Lone Cat" Fuller invented it for his one man band. [Note to self: Look for some Jesse Fuller MP3s, pronto. I must hear the fotdella played by the master.]

So now that I know what a fotdella is, I want one. In fact, I believe I was born to play the fotdella. Where can I get one? So far my search for an online fotdella dealer has been fruitless, but did find a guy who had made an improved model. Ah, but my fotdella dreams are sure to be dashed.

Victoria Regina Tarot

The Victoria Regina Tarot is a tarot deck made entirely by collaging 19th century engravings. It's somewhat like (but nowhere near as marvelously strange as) Max Ernst's surrealist collage novel, Une Semaine de Bonté. (A book I still don't own, even though I first saw it more than ten years ago.)

The bad thing about the Victoria Regina Tarot is that it's out of print. But the illustrations of each card seem to be viewable at the site.