Excerpt from Daddy Takes Us Psychic Battling

"Oh, how powerfully enhanced your psychic powers are!" cried little Mabel Blake, one day, as her brother Hal came running out of the school yard, where he had been having a telekenetic battle with some other boys. Mabel was waiting for him to walk home with her as he had promised.

"Yours are powerfully enhanced, too, Mab!" Harry said. "It's as powerfully enhanced--as powerfully enhanced as some of the brains we boiled with our minds at our seashore cottage this summer."

"Are my psychic powers powerfully enhanced?" asked Mab of some of her girl friends.

"They surely are!" replied Jennie Bruce. "All our psychic powers are powerfully enhanced!" she went on. "It's the planetary alignment that makes 'em so. It's very cold today, and soon it will be the time of the assassins, with lots of blood and violence! Oh! I just love the time of the assassins!"

[Note: This is another of my find and replace travesties.]

Yes, please take my money

Wost spam subject line ever: "Do you want to see the fountain of sperm? Try our new Soft Cialis Tabs."

No, no, no, a thousand times no, I don't want to see the fountain of sperm!

Sadly, there's no scenes with Potsie

I know this probably isn't an original idea, but it's a shame no one has ever staged Samuel Beckett's play, Happy Days, with Marion Ross and Tom Bosley.

Enter the fotdella

Many, many, many years ago I bought a record (yes, one of those big black flat round plastic things yer grandma used to listen to music on before she got an iPod like a civilized human being) by Tav Falco. On the back cover of this rockabilly oddity, the legendary Jim Dickinson was credited with playing something called a "fotdella". What's a fotdella, you ask? For more years than I care to mention, I wondered the same thing. Often I imagined it was a sort of flatulent rhythm instrument, possibly played with a bellows. Anyway, this morning I finally looked it up on Google and, much to my surprise, actually found an answer.

The fotdella is a stringed bass that you play with one of your feet using a crude keyboard. Oddball bluesman Jesse "Lone Cat" Fuller invented it for his one man band. [Note to self: Look for some Jesse Fuller MP3s, pronto. I must hear the fotdella played by the master.]

So now that I know what a fotdella is, I want one. In fact, I believe I was born to play the fotdella. Where can I get one? So far my search for an online fotdella dealer has been fruitless, but did find a guy who had made an improved model. Ah, but my fotdella dreams are sure to be dashed.

Victoria Regina Tarot

The Victoria Regina Tarot is a tarot deck made entirely by collaging 19th century engravings. It's somewhat like (but nowhere near as marvelously strange as) Max Ernst's surrealist collage novel, Une Semaine de Bonté. (A book I still don't own, even though I first saw it more than ten years ago.)

The bad thing about the Victoria Regina Tarot is that it's out of print. But the illustrations of each card seem to be viewable at the site.

They're inflatable!

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Such disappointment

There was some kind of fire near my job last night. All night we could smell wood smoke in the warehouse because the fans in the ceiling were sucking it in. The smell gradually died down so that it wasn't that noticeable, but around 6 AM it suddenly got strong again and I could actually see smoke haze in the air inside the warehouse. I wondered if the smoke alarms would go off. Then I wondered if the sprinklers would go off. That would've been interesting, but, sadly, it didn't happen. Fun stuff never happens at work.

What?!

This morning my boss was yammering on about something or other (I wasn't really listening) and she said what sounded like, "I couldn't get my bowels to move." I suddenly looked up at her and thought, "Did she just say what I think she said? And, if so, why in the name of all things decent is she telling me?" Then I realized she'd said, "I couldn't get my mouse to move." She was having computer problems in the new area where she's got her office set up.

Postal humor

Contained in this mashed box is the best deal I ever got on Ebay. For a mere $20.83 I snagged a Schick adjustable injector in the original case, a razor I've seen go for over a $100 more than once. There were also six other vintage razors, one of which was also in its original case. Of course both cases were smashed. (That's plastic for you.) Thankfully the razors weren't damaged.

The seller put a big label on the box reading, "Handle With Care", but they would've been better off with a label reading, "Please crush this box with some big heavy shit!" Jackasses.

The Chuck Yeager of stupid

Does stupid have a terminal velocity? I'm beginning to think I'm on the brink of finding out.

Last night at work as I left to go to lunch, I somehow managed to lock myself out of the office. Naturally, no one had a key. That's not as surprising as it may seem since there's only half a dozen people on third shift. So a supervisor from the only other populated office and a security guard did much poking and proding with various implements in an unsuccessful attempt to break into the office. I just stood there like a big doofus and ate my lunch since I'd already achieved professional levels of stupidity by locking myself out in the first place. Eventually someone showed up with a screwdriver and we took the damn door off the hinges.

I'd like to say that locking myself out of the office was a rare occurance, but last Friday I locked myself out of my car. So, it begins... Next I'll suddenly find myself out in public with no pants on.

Vacant

Monkey Chow!

The Monkey Chow Diaries: "On June 3, 2006, I began my week of eating nothing but monkey chow: 'a complete and balanced diet for the nutrition of primates, including the great apes.'" [via Metafilter]

Who knew there was such a thing as Monkey Chow?

The Monster Show

In the comments of my "Monsters want our women" post I mentioned a book I read a few years ago that had interpretations of horror movies from the silent era to the present. The title's The Monster Show: A Cultural History of Horror and there's even an official site.

Stupid comics

I love websites about old comics, particularly if the old comics in question are seriously fucked up. So much time was happily wasted when I found Stupid Comics a few weeks ago. How stupid are they? Pretty stupid. And in one sequence Dick Cheney makes a surprise appearance.Women of the world, I don't let Dick Cheney carry you back to his lair!

Monsters want our women!

A few weeks ago I watched Creature from the Black Lagoon again. I wasn't planning on watching much of it, but I ended devouring the whole thing instead of napping like I'd wanted. (I live for napping.)

It's a great monster flick, but it made me wonder why it was that in so many of these types of movies the monster killed the men and carried the women away? What were the monsters going to do with the women? I, and all the other straight men watching Creature from the Black Lagoon, know what we'd like to do to Julie Adams, but did the gill-man harbor similar urges? Apparently, he did, but it's never mentioned in the movie at all. There's no scene where any of the male characters say anything like, "The monster wants a mate, so we better lock up whatshername and tell her to stop jiggling around in that bathing suit." But the original movie posters leave nothing to the imagination. One states bluntly, "Terrifying monster of the ages raging with pent-up passions! ...with every man his mortal enemy ...and a woman's beauty his prey!" And on another poster, "Centuries of passion pent up in his savage heart!"

So, in the 50's there was this deep-seated fear that monsters would be canoodling our womenfolk? I thought the 50's was all about commies. You know, commies canoodling our womenfolk. (Oddly, in the poster for one of the two Black Lagoon sequels, The Creature Walks Among Us, the monster appears to be wearing pants while on his rampage in some big US city after he escapes his captors. I can imagine a scene where the guy running the zoo/freak show/whatever says something like, "Somebody put some pants on that thing!" Of course he ran around nekkid all through the first movie.)

So monsters do want out women! Somebody should make a website about this! Oh, look, they already have. At least two of them actually. Giants and Girls [not all safe for work] is devoted to monsters, aliens, mutants, etc. chasing and carrying away beautiful women. Lots of nice galleries if you just stick to the old movie stills and ignore the creepy computer "erotic" art. It's more of fetish site than a purely movie buff site, but interesting none the less. The other site, In My Arms, is devoted to the "carry phenomenon", which is basically just monsters, aliens, robots, mutants, and just regular old run of the mill human men carrying unconscious women. Needless to say, this is also a bit of a fetish site and probably not all safe for work.

Filler!

Since I've fallen into a bottomless pit of work-related misery and have the energy of a drugged tree sloth, I haven't been blogging much. My job sucks, but it doesn't even suck in an interesting way. Don't hold your breath for wacky posts about how stupid things are at work. So in lieu of actual content, here's my latest collection of stupid search requests that people baffled by the internet have used to blunder across my tedious blog:

free latin porn without popups
I'm pretty sure they were looking for porn featuring folk from Central and South America, but I like to imagine they were looking for porn in Latin, because nothing says arousing like a dead language.

cat smash through window
Just when you thought Fluffy couldn't be any more annoying.

tickling vagina clips
Movie clips or clips that would actually tickle one's vagina? But you'd think clips would pinch rather than tickle. OK, I've dwelled on this far too long already.

hee haw women doing
This searcher doesn't care just what the Hee Haw women are doing, just that they're doing something: movies, yard work, hard time, etc. It doesn't matter as long as they're keeping busy.

"wanking in front of"
Wanking in front of anything: cars, elephants, bricks, trees, Communism, tropical fish, lawn furnature, etc. The searcher doesn't care as long as someone is wanking in front of something.

good teacher porn clips lengthy and free
I never had a teacher that good.

free foreskin sites with photos
I don't want a free foreskin!

man wanking in front of computer
Well, at least he wasn't wanking in front of a dehumidfier. Or something like that.

does going to the toilet relieve stress
For me it does. Unless someone's in there and then my stress increases.

pee shy successful medication
See above.

uk wanking blogs
The searcher isn't interested in wanking blogs from any other lousy country.

Honey Bun robbery
Was a honey bun stolen in the robbery or used to perform the robbery?

eel barrel
More fun than a barrel of eels!

toilet lid cartoon
A cartoon about a toilet lid or a cartoon on a toilet lid?

undulate paragraph
I hope this is a new feature in Word.

john wayne autopsies
More than one?

english majors are stupid annoying
Possibly, but I'm not comfortable with gross generalizations.

"shoot a woman in the ass"
I really have no idea.

invented the spanking
Sadly, we'll never know.

What is going on in Iceland now reffering to the headlines of articles in the newspaper.
This just in: People in Iceland speak a language called Icelandic.

bubblegum blowing porn
Talk about your lame fetishes. Somewhere out there a person is desperately searching Yahoo for "cuddling porn" or "non nude porn".

enema horror stories
Get a mop!

photos of kids 11-12 with shaved heads
Hmmm... Pervert or a kid looking for photos to show his parents? ("See, Mom. There's kids my age with shaved heads!")

Boohbah Zone

I can't stop playing with this.

Mit der whoopie!

I learned something new at work: furzkissen is German for whoopie-cushion. (We stock them.) Anyway, I looked up furzkissen on Google just to see what came up. I found an article in the German verions of Wikipedia. The Google translation is too good not to reproduce in total:

A Furzkissen is a joke article. This concerns an inflatable hollow body, which consists of plastic, and over a valve it is so fillable that the air filling cannot withdraw after filling independently. When sudden escaping of air by an outside load a flatulenzartiges noise is produced. The Furzkissen serves for, notionless humans who itself unintentionally on it-set and thus by its weight the necessary pressure apply to bring in embarrassment. It is put down for example camouflaged on seat opportunities.

The first Furzkissen consisted of two equal, ballonförmigen rubber skins, which were stuck up to the opening in the place at the edge, typical for a balloon. There the gap developed, by which the Furzkissen is filled, and which could be squeezed together due to its detention characteristics, so that the filling remained containing.

Furzkissen of newer date are manufactured frequently with foam material filling and a mechanical valve. If the pressure is reduced to the hollow body, then the foam material filling relaxes and leads to the fact that the Furzkissen takes up air over the valve again and so that a renewed emptying with side effects mentioned without intervention of the user becomes possible. Also fast successions of the developing noise are in this way possible.

According to the Guinness book of the records took place in Illinois with 3164 persons the largest common Furzkissen seats.

The Germans seem to take whoopie-cusion technology quite seriously. I've never seen any of these more advanced whoopie-cusion designs they speak of.

Oddly, the English version of Wikipedia has no specific article on whoopie-cushions, but they do have a nice one on flatulence humor. (While you're at it, they have a nice article on flatulence as well.)

And to digress slightly, who wouldn't want their child to wear a whoopie-cushion costume for Halloween?

Get a job

Since I'm so miserable in my current job, I decided to start searching the various online employment sites for something else. I have a degreee, so surely there's something halfway decent out there for me. Right? Well, maybe not. All the jobs seemed to want years of experience I don't have and can't get because the jobs require experience. AARRGGHH! But I did find one that I think I'm qualified for:

The employee's activities primary include processing and preparing paperwork, assisting in preparation of human remains for cremation, assisting with placing remains in cremation chamber/retort and facility cleaning and maintenance. Activities may be in a crematory or at a funeral home/crematory. Requires learning and familiarization with SCI policies and proceedures, including review of SCI operations Manual and applicable state/provincial law. Regulatory certification may be required in some states/provinces. Works under general supervision.

I'm not sure what "SCI" stands for. Maybe Scary Corpse Industry.

I don't know why I even bother getting out of bed anymore.

Chain of fools

A big site devoted entirely to chain letters? How come I've never seen this before? I know I've looked at damn near everything on the internet (because have no life), so you'd think I'd have seen it before.